Five ways for the Girl Scouts to sell more cookies
Girl Scout cookie season is again upon us, and I haven't seen so much as a single measly box of Thin Mints. Why am I not shoving fistfuls of Samoas into my mouth, or crunching down on Trefoils right now? Because those cookie-toting Girl Scouts never seem to be prepared in any area that I frequent -- and I have a sadly empty gut feeling that I'm not the only one who suffers from this problem.
So here's my list of five better ways for Girl Scouts to sell more cookies:
5. Send the Scouts to strip clubs.
Anyone who has either frequented or worked at a titty bar knows that the exotic dancers get bored and hungry as hell between sets, and they always have cash on hand -- or in various spots -- in the form of small bills. Sending a few cookie emissaries into local boobie bars is one of the best ideas since boobie bars, and eager strippers with money burning holes in their G-strings will buy the ever-loving, red hell out of some Tagalongs, because exercising in the buff, drinking and popping scripts make ya work up quite an appetite.
4. Have the girls go to retirement communities.
Make the old folks holler "Get off of my lawn---get into my recreation and crafting area!" by offering to send pint-sized cookie-bearers into every nursing home in town. Sure, the poor kiddos will be ear-pulled and patted by old people, and possibly bored to tears with stories about Dwight Eisenhower, but that's the cost of doing good business, and informal Internet research has shown that elderly people will buy anything, real or not (property in Scammistan or fake amethyst jewelry from QVC) -- and Social Security checks spend just as well as green and coin shake.
3. Recruit more boys to join the Girl Scouts.
The Boy Scouts may be stalling and stumbling about admitting gays, but the Girl Scouts have always been the truly progressive ones, and they freely allow boys to earn badges -- and sell cookies. If the organization sucks in more boys, they could sent them out in skirts to hawk boxes of sugar-loot to trendy hipster neighborhoods where boho, artist and college-professor-activist types would buy the shit out of those cookies, if for no other reason than boys wearing skirts are so cool these days.
2. Have celebrities sign the cookie boxes.
Honey Boo Boo -- and her mouthy, mud pit-diving mother -- pissed off all but one of their local Georgia Girl Scout troops this week when the trailer-park toddler autographed boxes of Girl Scout cookies and had momma sell them on the "annernet." They sold like dime bags of ditchweed in Georgia, and the favored troop got all the spoils while the other troops got jack and squat. And the kicker here was that Honey Boo Boo isn't even a Girl Scout. You gotta love redneck marketing schemes, so why not level it up and have other famous celebs sign boxes for sale? Chris Brown can sign a few, charge extra for the boxes he punched holes in, and some lucky troop will benefit.
1. Sell the f*cking cookies on the f*cking internet!!!!
Sell. The. Damn. Cookies. On. The. Internet. For the love of the new pope -- whoever he is -- just let the girls sell on the Internet" by the box, by the case, by the pallet, by the ton, with free shipping included. The Girl Scouts don't currently allow Internet sales because of some outdated notions about community, developing social skills and sweat-equity entrepreneurship, but they are completely depriving an entire market of fervent consumers who don't have the time or energy to track down a little cookie-peddler. If the organization really wants to help the kids learn useful skills that will last a lifetime, then teach them how to build cookie-selling websites, train them to hack into other troops' sites for corner-the-market sabotage, and give those industrious little tikes some real-real life skills they can use to get ahead.
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