I swore a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to write another word about Bravo's Top Chef until it stopped sucking. Until they stopped breaking the action every thirty seconds with completely inappropriate product placements (Diet Dr. Pepper cookoff!), until Fabio and Stefan stopped giving the mafia kiss of death to everyone, until everyone stopped cooking food that looked like failed menu tests from some terrible Midwestern fusion bistro (Chi Bistro, perhaps?), and until that sonofabitch Toby Young (who I loathe for more reasons than I have space to list here) was off the friggin' show completely.
I vowed that I wasn't even going to watch Top Chef -- a promise I broke almost imme
diately -- and double-promised that I wasn't going to say a damn word until everyone chilled the fuck out, pulled up their panties and started acting like chefs.
Which they finally did. Fabio breaks a finger and what happens? He goes right on cooking. Stefan the Uber-Dick gets some comeuppance by embarrassing himself completely in front of Emeril Lagasse and the nation (the look on his face after getting spanked for his shitty gumbo was priceless). Out of nowhere, Carla suddenly starts acting like she remembers how to cook. And with Leah gone, our hometown boy Hosea focuses on his work instead of where his tongue has been.
Frankly, I'm amazed that Hosea is still in the running on tonight's finale. Not that I don't think he can cook -- it's just that he never seemed to bring his best game to the challenges. Everything was seafood. Everything was inside his Jax comfort zone. Everything was so...uninspired.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Still, he made it to the final three and that's no small accomplishment. Am I pulling for him to bring home the big win? Absolutely. I wouldn't put money on him to do it, but I really hope he does.
Am I hoping that he jumps off that line at the judges' table and hangs one on Stefan if the last remaining member of Team Euro wins? Oh, yeah, baby. I'd cheer like it was the Sabres winning the Stanley Cup if Hosea did that, and would even put up his bail bond myself -- using the money I won from betting heavy on Stefan to take home the gold.
But who knows? Weird things happen on Top Chef all the time. All it'll take is for that cocky prick to make one mistake, and then it'll be Hosea's game to win. And I-- like everyone else -- will be watching to see what happens tonight.