It's only been a few weeks since we bid adieu to the Four Loko and friends, those caffeinated malt beverages that caused an uproar after a couple of
idiots young people became severely intoxicated (which has never happened with any other alcohol in the history of mankind).
Now, clearly determined to take all the fun out of college binge drinking, the powers-that-be have chosen a new target of scrutiny: alcoholic whipped cream.
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Whipped Lightning and CREAM are among brands on the market that have infused the dessert topper and sexy-time accoutrement with spirits, creating fun flavors like chocolate and pumpkin spice and white-chocolate raspberry.
Can you spot the danger here? That's right: Those crazy kids with no self-control will obviously be lured in by the powers of deliciousness, only to be duped into drinking way too much because they don't know they're actually getting drunk. And then they'll die horrible, painful deaths, which is why health officials are already in a tizzy, calling for closer monitoring of the 30-proof whipahol.
It's cool, though. Even if the FDA makes these companies take the booze out of the can, we can just go back to the glory days of fun: sucking the nitrous oxide out of the top before coating martinis or Jell-O shots with regular old whipped cream.