Yesterday, in an impassioned retort to the Sowbionese Liberation Army, the bandits who ran away with Euclid Hall's iron pig mascot last weekend, Euclid's executive chef, Jorel Pierce, came out swinging, issuing his own set of demands -- and retaliating against the Sowbionese Liberation Army by giving them a dose of their own medicine, namely putting a fork in their pork and squealing all the way back to Euclid Hall after stealing their own prize pig, who Pierce has nicknamed "Teal, the Flying Squealer."
The Euclidians and the Sowbionese Liberation Army will meet, tutu-to-tutu, at 3 p.m. on Sunday at Euclid Hall for a swine showdown, but before that happens, the Sowbionese Liberation Army has upped the ante -- again!
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In response to the "we insist" list from Pierce and crew, which stipulated, among other things, that the "terrorists" who hijacked their pig must also swagger tutus, bring fresh weeds to the table and a portrait of the late Farrah Fawcett, the Sowbionese Liberation Army issues these ultimatums, while flatly denying that the members of their Sowbionese Liberation Army have anything whatsoever to do with squeaks or beans.
Kids in the Hall,
The squeaks and the beans are neither intelligent enough nor capable enough to engineer such a brilliant and crafty scheme. Your inability to pin the tail on the pig thus leads to more demands.
Piggy Longstocking is about to become flat pennied courtesy of Union Pacific Railroad. The SLA loves pigtails of both kinds. Our next demand is 5 pints of your finest British Imperial Ale. These ales will be be served by the dashing Beth Gruitch, your fairest cocktail maiden. Her hair will be pig-tailed like The St Pauli Girl. If she does not do so, the pig will be sleeping with the Queen Mum.
Never mind the bullocks! Remember the bone marrow!
We're wondering who's going to be the first to insist on shimmery pink tights, leotards and a wallow in the mud.