My five worst school lunches

This school lunch looks pretty good...
This school lunch looks pretty good...

Public school students are being awfully whiny about their school lunches right now. The reason is because the United States Department of Agriculture just restructured standards for school lunches for the first time in over a decade, and now students have to eat more fruits, vegetables and whole grains, and even low-fat and no-fat dairy.

This is supposed to make the kiddos less chunky, but some of them are crying about being hungry, and even refusing to eat things like black beans and hummus.

See also: -Death to the brown bags: school lunches vs. homemade, a fight to the finish -Five ways to make public-school food and drinks healthier

Back in my day, I was served some seriously f*cked up meals and I didn't bitch -- okay, I bitched a little -- but kids today are spoiled little turds who have never had to suffer through entrees like "cherry meat mound." So I'm doing these little ingrates a huge favor with my list of top five worst school lunches -- the ones I had to endure. Oh, and by the way, apparently ketchup is still a vegetable.

5. Pork cutlet I was never really sure what part of the actual pig the cutlet came from because it was vaguely chop shaped, and the shake-and-bake exterior tended to blur any edges it had. This miserable meal was usually slopped up with a round scoop of instant mashed potatoes, a side of margarine-drenched canned green beans with enough sodium to kill Jamie Oliver dead in the street, and everything was dripped and puddled with that terrifying, gelatinous white, pepper-flecked gravy that was always room temperature no matter when you got it.

It's probably cheese, right?
It's probably cheese, right?

4. Hot dish This entrée may be a pure Midwestern creation of cooked hamburger, Veg-All, brown gravy from a mix -- or cream of mushroom soup from a can if I was lucky -- a salty, greasy, soupy casserole that was topped with either instant mashed potatoes and semi-melted, rubbery American cheese slices or half-burnt-half-raw tater tots and that pasteurized processed cheese food product. There was usually a dinner roll included, for yet more starchy carbs, because my lazy Gen-X ass really needed to carb up so I could get high on my Mom's Valiums, listen to Champagne Supernova over and over, and paint my toenails blue.

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