February 5, 2010 | 8:59am
Is the economic shitstorm getting you down? Feeling like you just can't afford to partake in that expensive, voyeuristic exercise in frivolity known as Super Bowl Sunday? If so, hold the mustard. All you need is a game plan, and you can still invite your obnoxious friends and their awkward dates to a shindig at your place.
With a little improvisation and a general lack of shame, it's not too late to plan a deceivingly cheap Super Bowl XLIV party.
Just choose one recipe from each of these categories:
Mystery Shots:Gather all the drips, drops and dribbles of liquor from behind your cabinets to mix one delightfully elusive concoction -- add tap water as needed. If you're feeling saucy, add a little Kool-Aid mix for the ladies. Tell your guests its your latest libation creation. Ninety percent of the time, it works every time.
Vodka Surprise: Blend a handle (that's a 1.75L bottle for you wimpy drinkers) of the finest bottom shelf vodka you can deign to purchase with straight off-brand juice concentrate. Grape is always a classy choice. If you're a Colts fan, and you're hoping to blackout the impending defeat, use 90% grain alcohol.
Piss, Burps and Runs: Pabst Blue Ribbon is always a classic for those on a budget -- or those on a mission to explore the dingy basement bathroom.
The Swaney: It's a drink my high school friends named after me, and one for which I am not proud. It's two parts Jack Daniels to one part iced tea. But in these desperate times, a three-to-one ratio of Ten High and a gas station tea bag will do the trick. A good Swaney will knock you on your ass before half time.Finger food
Dumpster Bagel Bites:Every day, perfectly good bagels are tossed by strip mall bagel shops. Seriously, they're still good. Dive in, grab a bag, cut them into eighths and serve with a bowl of cream cheese or truck stop jelly.
Modified Microwave Pizza Bites: Generic microwave pizza average less than a dollar at the supermarket. Toss a little extra commodity cheese on top, maybe some hot sauce and bologna, slice and dice it, and stab it with a tooth pick or backyard twigs. Tell the vegetarians it's Tofurky. Always funny.
Pigs on Memory Foam: You guessed it -- this is an adaptation of the childhood staple "pigs in a blanket." But because you failed to achieve your parents' dreams for you (or you decided to go into journalism), you'll have to fall back on these. Soak a slice of cheap bread in milk, curd or saliva. Then, wrap the bread tightly around the doggie, and toss it in the oven on 450 degrees until just before they burn.
Beer Cheese Dip:A great choice for any dysfunctional get-together. Whip together cream cheese, shredded cheese, and one of those PBRs in some sort of bowl, adding one ingredient or another until the dip fancies your taste, or you've finished the beer. Serve with pretzels or Saltines. If this one breaks the budget, lose the cream cheese and shredded cheese. Dessert
If anyone is still conscious when dessert comes around, tell them to get the hell out before they break into your expired freeze-dried noodles.
Go forth and party like you're about to lose everything you own, because you just might.
But that doesn't bother you -- the crafty S.O.B. who just saved the Super Bowl.