Hot dog! Pizza Hut is now offering pizzas with crusts stuffed with hot dogs and garnished "with a mustard drizzle." Sadly, it is only offering these pizzas in the United Kingdom. What the hell, Hut?! Don't Americans deserve a mustard drizzle, too?
Pizza Hut, you were born here in the States, and we've loved you through good times and bad. We eat your buffalo wings and breadsticks, we put up with your lackluster salad bar and pretend to love your pasta, we humor you when you give us things like the P'zone.
We forgave you when you put Rush Limbaugh in a commercial in 1995.
We didn't scream too loud when you took away the Chicago Dish and Sicilian pizzas, and we understand that you can't break up with Pepsi, so we're willing to skip Coke products from time to time. We consistently overlook the fact that your meat toppings are so salty that our kidneys cry out for redress every time we call you for a delivery order.
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So how, in good conscience, can you give the Brits a pizza stuffed with hot dogs and not share it with us? We want a pizza with hot dogs crammed in the crust -- and we deserve it. What about our needs?
Of course, it's highly possible that your teaser tidbits about the forbidden hot dog pizza are only designed to make us beg, and you've always planned to offer it here, too. But in the meantime, can we work something out? Maybe some sort of a pie-amory arrangement that gives everyone what they want?
We are willing to share. Let's go to dinner and discuss it -- we can have pizza.