Save your lame jokes for your lame friends

Welcome to In the Weeds. Kyle will be right with you -- most likely to complain about something. Usually he is pleasant, but this is his place to blow off some steam. Don't take it personally; he just needs to vent because he's been doing this for about thirteen years. Enjoy your meal.

You're probably not funny. Nothing personal; there are very few people who are truly funny. According to an unscientific study I conducted right now, one in twelve people can be classified as clever and only one in sixty-four fall into the hilarious category. The odds are against you.

And if you're making the same pathetic jokes I've heard a thousand times, you're worse than unfunny, you're corny and obnoxious. After waiting tables for a year, I've pretty much heard every uninspired joke that diners have to offer -- so if you're planning on dropping any of these awful punchlines, you're better off saving it for open mic night at the improv, so that people can boo you like you deserve.

The lamest of the lame:

The pager joke: Some restaurants have pagers that buzz and light up to alert people waiting that their table is ready. When the hostess gives the guest the pager, she typically buzzes it once to make sure it works. At this point, far too many douchebags drop the line, "Oh, it's ready now?" Then the douchebag usually laughs at his or her own joke and looks around searching for approval.

Close your mouth and go sit down before I jam the pager down your throat and hit the buzzer every two seconds. I've only worked at one restaurant and I've never hosted a day in my life, yet I've heard many tools try this joke, which makes me worry about the declining intelligence of humans. "I'll be your server tonight": Followed by, "I'll be your customer!" and a big, self-congratulatory smile. No, you won't be my customer. Why? Fuck you, that's why. Take the comedy tour to the next section.

Cleanup on aisle six: A server or bartender drops plates or glasses and the loud crash is followed by some dickhead yelling "Cleanup on aisle six!"

You mean, like in a grocery store? Oh, that's funny. You've taken a saying used in one food-service business and applied it to another. That's so clever. Because we're not actually in a grocery store. Razor sharp comic wit.

Empty plates and glasses: What I want to hear when someone has finished a dish or drink: "That was great." What I hear far too often: "A dog came by and ate it," or "There was a leak in the glass," or "Free refills, right?"

You are on fire. Fake laughs all around. And then I'll go to the service station and ask one of my co-workers to crop dust your tables.

I hated it: The crowning achievement of idiotic wanna-be comedians in every restaurant across the nation is to eat every bit of food on their plate and ironically declare that they didn't like it.

It was awful the first fifty times I heard it and the next 3,000 continually remind me just how many people are not funny. Don't be 3,001.

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