Swallow this: Cookbook uses semen as main ingredient
A new version of The Joy of Cooking
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. Ah, poor neglected semen.
If you're still reading this, we salute you. That forward, quoted above, is a snippet from the introduction to Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes. Looking at the sperm-loaded flan gracing the cover is a little like watching someone projectile vomit a case of beer and ten grilled cheese sandwiches: It's both utterly disgusting and intriguing. Author Fotie Photenhauer released his culinary cum collection in 2008, and the book is available for twenty-five bones online.
Worried about STDs? Make sure you know where your ingredient comes from, Photenhauer advises. Finding quality jizz? Not a problem, he says. As long as the spunk you're obtaining is "properly harvested," it should be good to go. Semen is "complex and dynamic," like a fine wine, he writes. Or ten shots of Jack Daniels and the backseat of an '86 Grand Prix. Whatever works. And if you think about it, it doesn't get more local than this. Really.
If nothing else, the book slides into the same shudder-inducing grotesque entertainment category as Jackass and Fear Factor. Recipes include the strawberry splasharita cocktail (blended and drizzled with semen), spunky candied pecans, creamy cum cakes, and the almost White Russian. Even more hilarious are the book review comments, including this winner from Wreckless Media Radio:
This book is like a godsend for our family. Two months ago we lost our house to the bank and we are as good as broke. All of us live in a trailer now. That's me, my wife and seven kids... plus my wife's parents. Food is expensive and before I got this book we were eating canned dog food four times a week to cut the cost of living.
BUT... thankfully we began to eat cum! It's been three weeks that all the boys including my father in-law, the old codger, deliver top-notch daily drainings of fresh ball sap. My wife and my mother in-law collect the milky distillate straight from our stiff meat into glass jars and store these in the fridge. Every Sunday they turn the scrumptious gook into lip-smacking cum recipes!
Get the Food & Drink Newsletter
Our weekly guide to Denver dining includes food news and reviews, as well as dining events and interviews with chefs and restaurant owners.
More Food & Drink News
- Small Is Big: A Second Helping of Westword Food & Drink, September 28 - October 2
- Get a Taste of Il Porcellino Tonight, Before It Opens in Late October in Berkeley
- Friday Night Bazaar Transforms to Night Bazaar Denver With New Location Starting Tonight
- Reader: Complaints About Quality of Barbecue Should Focus on Quality of Transplants