Before the Denver Broncos take on the Raiders tonight, football fans will take on another tough tradition: tailgating.
Things are already cooking in the designated tailgating lot outside of the newly renamed Sports Authority at Mile High. The menu for a tailgating party should be easy: grill meat, add beer, watch game. So don't mess it up by making one of these dishes:
10. BBCCD con Huevos: Judging from the recipe, BBCCD means "Bacon Burger Chili Cheese Dog," because it's all of those things topped with a fried egg and served on a bun. But BBCCD should really stand for "Beware Because Consuming Causes Death." In fact, the end of the directions state, "I don't recommend moving very much, during or after eating." Don't worry, you won't be able to.
9. Strawberry Margarita Jello Shots: Beer. That's the answer to the question of "What should I drink at a tailgate party?" We would also accept "whiskey," "more beer" and "beer-whiskey smoothie." If one of your friends shows up at a tailgate party with a tray of these froufrou shots, grab the tray and smash it against his windshield. It's for his own good.
8. Taco Soup: A taco is just a taco. And if you really insist, a salad. But not a soup. No matter what butter-covered Paula Deen has to say. And no tailgate recipe should take six hours to make. That would cut into valuable drinking time.
7. Eggs in a Bag: Also known as "lazy-ass eggs that taste like a plastic bag." This recipe calls for combining eggs, cheese and pre-cooked meat in a bag and then cooking the package in boiling water. If a fat person spooning a partially cooked breakfast mixture that tastes like the inside of a Ziploc bag into his mouth makes you sad and not at all excited for football, good.
6. Bacon-Wrapped, Cheese-Filled Brats: We know what you're thinking: All of these items are delicious, so why not combine them? But please, for the sake of rising health-care premiums, only consume two of these foods in any given meal.
5. Touchdown Tuna Pizza: This pizza, which features the finest canned tuna, has to suck. And even if it doesn't, a tailgating party is not the place for it. Unique, new-age pizzas topped with figs, smoked duck, tree bark and other exotic ingredients belong in yuppie pizza shops in hipster neighborhoods -- and nowhere near a football field.
4. Pickled Eggs: Every step of preparing and consuming these smells terrible. The recipe essentially creates a jarred, edible fart.
3. Surprise Appetizer Spread: Surprise! Here's some horrible food. As a general rule, steer clear of any food with "Surprise" in its name, such as this gastronomical crime, which combines mayo, green onion, cheese, pecans and jam. The surprise is usually stomach pain, diarrhea or heart disease.
2. Whatever the Fuck This Is: We're guessing the name of this dish is "Food Illness Volcano," but it also might be "Edible Zit." It's big, yellow, oozing a gelatinous goo and appears to be speckled with cured meat or fruit. We'll stick to burgers, thanks.
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1. Bacon Explosion: Start with a 5x5 bacon weave -- and really, who doesn't know how to do that? Season and add two pounds of Italian sausage. Now that you've got your pork layers, it's time for, well, more pork. This round, it's cooked bacon. Top that with some barbecue sauce, roll it all up, put it in the smoker for about two hours, smother the outside in more barbecue sauce and get ready to fucking die. Like, immediately. This is probably what George W. was referring to when he was talking about weapons of mass destruction.