The Five Best Restaurant Apologies -- Translated From Lawyer Speak

The Five Best Restaurant Apologies -- Translated From Lawyer Speak

Last month, Chipotle got a public hand-smack because an employee did a "hands up, don't shoot" gesture to nine visiting NYPD officers who blew off the burrito bowls and left, sparking a store boycott by local cops and a pile of customer complaints. Chipotle co-CEOs Steve Ells and Monty Moran issued an apology statement disavowing the gesture, making damn sure that the police got an "I'm sorry" out of the deal. The apology, if translated into reality, would probably say "Hey look, we wanna sell people guac and chips, not piss off cops!" Sometimes a public apology is one of the costs of doing business, and at least Chipotle kept it classy.

Here's a list five restaurant apologies -- translated from overly cautious corporate rhetoric into what they really meant. Cheer up, Chipotle! You are far from the first and won't even be the last eatery to cough up an apology, and compared to some, y'all got off easy.

See also: Chipotle Issues Apology for Employee Hands-Up Gesture Directed at NYPD Officers

The Five Best Restaurant Apologies -- Translated From Lawyer Speak

5) The "Whoops we got your kids wasted" apology

Back in November of 2014, a Joe's Crab Shack in Colorado Springs accidentally served boozy drinks to a group of six kids, ages two to eight, ostensibly because there was a mix-up between a "Shark Nibble" children's fruity drink and a "Shark Bite" adult beverage full of rum, vodka, and curacao. Here's the official apology statement from Joe's: "Joe's Crab Shack is aware of this incident at the Colorado Springs location, and we are investigating this matter internally. We do not condone underage service of any kind. Our guests can rest assured that our processes are continuously examined so that incidents like this are avoided."

That statement was probably code for "Our dumbass server rang that shit in wrong and our dumbass barkeep made the wrong fucking drinks; please don't sue us because your loin-fruits got introduced to happy hour a couple decades early."

The Five Best Restaurant Apologies -- Translated From Lawyer Speak

4) The "Rapey dessert name" apology

A Staten Island restaurant called The Phunky Elephant introduced a boozy dessert drink last year called the "Roofie Colada" after a joke from Family Guy, and some patrons apparently didn't think the joke was amusing, kicking off a Facebook war of words. It got ugly, as Facebook fights usually do, and ended up with the following apology statement on the restaurant's page.

"The Phunky Elephant is a place with a unique atmosphere. We treat our guests with the utmost respect and we are always open to feedback to make our restaurant a welcoming and comfortable place with a touch of humor and quirkiness. We certainly did not intend to create an impression of reckless or negligent behavior by presenting the dessert at question to our guests nor did we mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable or insulted. This desert name was simply a homage to an adult cartoon and there was no malice. We obviously do not support date rape or any sort of violence for that matter. We humbly apologize if we have offended anyone and we appreciate the community around us and its awareness toward the cause. Please be advised that the dessert is currently off the menu until it is appropriately renamed."

This apology roughly translates to: "Idiot dude-bros who jerk off to Adult Swim also sometimes own/run/work in dining establishments, and think rape jokes are HILARIOUS! Some broads can't take a joke and got beefed about the whole rape drug thing, but since we want girlies to keep coming in, we are sorta sorry and whatever, and we will try to keep the misogyny confined to the kitchen areas from now on."

The Five Best Restaurant Apologies -- Translated From Lawyer Speak

3) The "Child abuse and sexual harassment" apology

In September of last year, a Minnesota restaurant, Weggy's On Campus, promised customers via Facebook that if they came in wearing Adrian Peterson jerseys during the Vikings-Patriots game, they could spank their servers. Weggy's idea to lighten the mood during the debate over allegations of child abuse against Vikings' running back Peterson was met with negative responses from Facebook users, so the post came down, and Weggy's kept the apology short and sweet with a post that said an employee "simply thought they were being funny."

Translation?--"Uhhh...we don't get it. That shit is helluh funny! Wait...so beating kids is bad now? Crap. And the spanking thing was a damn good idea! FOOTBALL!!! Wait...we only meant for dudes to spank the chick servers. We don't want dudes spanking other dudes! Fuck it--let's call the whole thing off."

For more restaurant apologies and translations, read on.



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