Every holiday shopping season gives friends and families of hardcore foodies chances to really hit, or severely miss, with gifts. You could be a right-good 'ol pal and buy whole Wagyu beef ribeye roasts for all your foodsy chums (that'll only set you back $1,200 per pal!) but let's be normal here; you only buy that sort of holiday treat for yourself, so save your meat money and consider something a little less extravagant for the annoying food fanatic you want to piss off clear into 2015. Give the gifts that keep on giving with a sexist floor mat, some bad apples, glitter pills and wearable plastic dinner.
5) The anti-fatigue floor mat
With public opinion of late shifting far, far away from gender-biased products, Brookstone decided to be
reprehensible different this holiday season and offer the gift that every pretty, pearl-sporting lady-person needs in order to properly scour dishes for her smoking jacket-clad man-person. The anti-fatigue floor mat is designed to make sure every time a girl stands in front of the sink (or maybe the stove she is chained to) wearing red high heels, she can do so in complete comfort, knowing that her delicate, feminine tootsies won't ever be too tired to trot dinner to the table every evening at 5 p.m. sharp.
It's really too bad Brookstone didn't think to offer free sets of ladies ankle-to-stove chains (sexy red enameled with shiny brass fittings) with every purchase of the lady mat, but perhaps they are saving that for next year.
4) Saturn wine glasses
Every single holiday season, some company creates what it thinks are the perfect spill-proof booze glasses. This year, Super Duper Studio Designs (that's really the name) employed Italian-style glassblowing techniques to create Saturn wine glasses, which are basically standard wine glasses with round, glassy doob-thingers on the bottom instead of stems. So the doob-thingers keep the glasses from spilling, but unfortunately do not address the compelling reason why traditional wine glasses have those pesky stems, which is to your keep hot, grubby cherry-pickers from changing the delicate temperatures of the wine. So gift-givers have a choice this year: buy regulation wine glasses and risk spills, or purchase the spill-proof glasses that let you hand-warm your chablis.
But as folks learned in college (or junior high, realistically) there is no such thing as a spill-proof anything with booze. Drinking straight from the bottle is a safer strategy and is always socially acceptable by the end of any party.
3) The giant peppermint caramel apple
Nothing says, "You are not someone I like, so shove a Christmas fruit basket clean up your heinie!" like giving the holiday gift of a box of Fuji apples swathed in caramel, hosed in dark chocolate, then rolled around in crunched-up peppermint candy. Ew. Double-triple layers of ew. And from Williams-Sonoma, which usually puts out some stupendously remarkable holiday foodie gifts, like the new string cheese-making kit, or the home gin-making kit (no bathtub needed).
$24 for a pound of apples covered with mismatched flavors and textures is not W-S's finest idea, but if you have someone in your life who really deserves an oral beatdown, this is the best gift to tag them with this year.
For more crappy foodie holiday gifts, keep reading.
2) Glitter poop pills
Oh Etsy, you den of holiday iniquity! Etsy is THE place to scout out some of the weirdest holiday gifts ever imagined by humans, but the latest proliferation of the glitter
poop pills may have holiday shoppers ready to christen the poop crafting efforts of lucky Christmas gift receivers. For about ten bucks you can buy six gel caps filled with non-toxic colorful combinations of glitter, which are not meant to be consumed, and certainly not meant to make decorative defecation.
Happy Holidays, for anyone who secretly dreams of being a sparkly unicorn, inside and out.
1) Fake food jewelry
We owe the Japanese big time for such luxuries as hentai and spicy tuna sushi rolls, and this holiday season they are paying us back in spades by offering the gifts that sure look like they keep on giving. The Japanese company Hatanaka has a line of fake food jewelry and accessories that include some waaaay-too-realistic versions of popular foods like necklaces made to look like curry with rice, spaghetti carbonara, pepper steak, pasta Bolognese and salami. Far from being tiny, adorable renditions of entrees wrought in gold or silver, these plastic collars are big, bright, and evocative of a good supper rolfed down the front of your blouse.
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Nothing says "Happy Holidays!" like a shirt covered in curry gravy, so this year, if you really have to do the hate-gifting, why not just stick with tradition and give out shitty fruitcakes, tins of jaw-breaking butter cookies, reindeer ties and Whitman's Samplers.