The Ten Stupidest "Breakfast Foods" Ever

Somewhere between breakfast and a cup of coffee lays this middle ground of stupid -- food that isn't really food, but still seems appropriate to consume for the (allegedly) most important meal of the day.

Jon Stewart and The Daily Show exposed the ridiculousness of the pancake-wrapped sausage years ago, but for the sake of real breakfast foods, it behooves us to extend the list beyond just the AM corndog. So we present the "Ten Stupidest "Breakfast Foods Ever."

10. Pop-Tarts

Pop-Tarts are not food. They're edible -- and there's a difference. In 2006, Kellogg's was asked to cease advertising that Pop-Tarts were "made with real fruit." They actually were, but only in the way that high-fructose corn syrup is made from corn, or heroin is made from pretty flowers. In the 1967 commercial above, you'll notice that early on, breakfast is hardly mentioned -- they seem made for dessert. As a dessert, Pop-Tarts make at least some semblance of sense. As a breakfast, they make about as much sense as eating leftover pizza and claiming it's like having a V-8.

9. Carnation Instant Breakfast

Before yogurt smoothies were in every dairy case and Jack LaLanne started selling juicers, this was the power-drink for downing on the way to work. And it still (perhaps surprisingly) exists on store shelves today, though it now goes by "Instant Breakfast Essentials," probably to compete more directly for the shopping dollars of the Ensure-crowd. But this was originally a weight-control, busy-executive, no-time-for-breakfast sort of breakfast--sure, the ads showed a kid drinking it, but no kid we knew did. It just tasted like weak Nestles Quik with a metallic aftertaste. It was proof: being an adult sucked.

8. Bagelfuls

Admittedly, bagels themselves aren't great for you; they're carb bombs, and typically drenched in cream cheese. But they're quick to eat -- although apparently not quick enough. These relatively new entrants into the world of too-much-convenience-is-bad-for-you turn bagels into Twinkies, only with a harder shell and thicker cream. Ick. To top it off, according to this ad campaign, they're also apparently easy to mistake for ferrets. Mmmmmm...ferrets.

7. Pre-Cooked Bacon I don't know if this stuff is made out of zombies, or just bacon that's been somehow necromantically preserved to remain in the same physical state, but either way, it's bad news. It's a little wizened, not much more than a shell of its former self, and I believe that it actually moans a little bit if you listen closely. Also? Tastes like zombies. I rest my case.

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