The Top Five Most Horrific New Food Gadgets
The never-ending market niche for unconventional food and drink preparation gadgets occasionally has a balls-out month or two, and lately it's giving us all some of THE most unfathomable creations -- and not all of the products are good. Matter of fact, most of them are creepy, crazy and mind-blowingly depraved, along with being expensive and crowd-funded. Some of the newest gadgets are only partially wacky, like the Somabar magical cocktail maker, the Microgarden of goo, the Alice in Wonderland tea cups and the portable hipster sunlight microwave. But these are the just the tip.
Here's are the top five most horrific new food gadgets. Prep yourself for a meat-smeller, a treat box made for criminals, nods to both Vikings and Scotland, and the stupidest kitchen gadget that has ever existed up until now.
5) The Goodie Safe
What the foodiverse needs more than anything right now (along with a fat-free, sugar-free jelly doughnut that tastes good) is a time-locked container to keep cookies fresh and delicious while preventing you from digging your cookie-hooks into your own cookies. Yep, the Kitchen Safe is a plastic container with a lock connected to a timer to "help people avoid tempting items." The flawed logic here exists in layers, beginning with having the delicious cookies in the house in the first place, and ending somewhere around having to keep your own fucking cookies on lockdown like a prison to avoid eating them.
I would never buy this, and if it was gifted to me I would put chocolate chip cookies in it, set the timer, then take it to my driveway and beat it open with a wooden baseball bat -- on principle.
4. The Meat-Smell-O-Meter
Taking whiffs of fresh meat to determine freshness will no longer be necessary thanks to the Peres portable, electronic meat nose. You point it at some meat, click the button, and it will determine temperature and humidity and the level of ammonia and volatile organic compounds using Bluetooth technology and a smartphone or tablet. This new gadget is already Indiegogo over-funded and ready to be produced, used and abused by noseless meat lovers, hypochondriacs and germophobes.
I would not buy this item, but if it was gifted to me, I'd still use my own senses to check my chicken thighs, but I would take this thing with me everywhere and point it at random adults, children and pets.
3) The Loch Ness Ladle
This new product has the rather dubious distinction of being the best of the worst new food gadgets, because it's actually functional, and cute as a little pinto bean. It's a blue kitchen ladle, made from toughened nylon and shaped like the Loch Ness monster. When you put it in a pot of boiling stew, it looks like Nessie is cruising around, chasing the carrot and potato chunks in the most adorable way imaginable.
This is probably the most brilliant dumbass, unneeded kitchen item I've seen --other than the garlic press and that fork that twirls pasta -- but it's soooo damn endearing that they're already sold out and on back-order until someday I can't wait for.
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