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The top five weirdest new fetish foods

It's bratwurst...it's gummy bears....it's gummy bear brats!
It's bratwurst...it's gummy bears....it's gummy bear brats!

We all never seem to run out of wacky ideas for off-beat eats and drinks, and the beauty of social media is that every time Oreo brings forth some fresh-hellish cookie flavor, an R & D team creates new waffle-things, or some mad distiller concocts tomato booze, we get the photos, the descriptions, and occasionally the anguished outrage when off-beat becomes out-of-their-minds.

Here's a list of the top five weirdest new fetish foods -- repurposed kimchi, coffee chips and really wackadoo Oreos are involved, while gummy bears go where no gummy has gone before.

See also: The top five dumbest restaurant promotions

So these turned out to be fake, but the other weird flavors are all too real.
So these turned out to be fake, but the other weird flavors are all too real.

5. Yet more weird-flavored Oreos

Fried-chicken flavored Oreos almost made the list, after a disturbing image made the social media rounds this past week; but alas, these treats turned out to be only an altered photo and a fevered dream. The reason that chicken-fried Oreo cookies seemed perfectly legit was likely due to the recent parade of off-normal flavors the company has actually been peddling: gingerbread, Creamsicle, candy corn, banana split, sherbet ice cream, Neapolitan, fruit punch and watermelon. There were even green tea Oreos offered only in Japan and China for a while there, but as Americans have long since passed the "green tea the EVERYTHING!" fad it's doubtful they would have caught on here.

American culinary trends at the moment appear to be focused on "paleo the EVERYTHING!" so it's possible that Nabisco could come up with some new gems like "kale smoothie," "ancient grains," or "raw bison PaleOreos"... and people would probably buy them.

Well, one of these sounds good.
Well, one of these sounds good.

4. Cappuccino flavored Lay's potato chips

Coffee drink-flavored Lay's potato chips are actually for real -- I checked a few times to make sure this wasn't an elaborate hoax -- because this year's test flavors from Lay's "Do Us a Flavor" contest will hit store shelves in late July, and cappuccino is one of four new creations, alongside cheddar bacon mac & cheese, mango salsa, and wasabi-ginger. Cappuccino may very well end up being the most disgustingly ill-advised chip flavor ever spawned from what seems to be a corporate-wide Molly trip-out (although mango salsa is a close second) but at least the wasabi-ginger chips have a fighting chance to be passably good.

In case anyone is curious, my personal dream team of potato chip flavors would be ham, buttercream frosting, pink lemonade and lox; fuck it -- just mix them all up in the same bag.

Deep-fried kimchi? Oh, the warm feels!!!
Deep-fried kimchi? Oh, the warm feels!!!

3. Deep-fried kimchi

Thanking the gods of food and wine, there is something currently trendy that doesn't sound like a fucked-up foodie joke: breaded and deep-fried kimchi. Currently trending are recipes for battered and fried kimchi, kimchi fritters, kimchi balls and even a fried kimchi burger. The elegant simplicity of taking the ever-popular fermented chili-cabbage condiment and putting a characteristic American spin on it (we can pretty much batter and deep-fry anything) makes it a cheap, easy and creative fetish food that should have been thought of years ago.

The next time Lay's decides to conjure up some new frankenchips, let's hope someone in charge gives the nod to a deep-fried kimchi flavored batch, as those would have a chance of sticking around past the shelf life of a frozen yogurt cone.

Keep reading for more weird new fetish foods

Would you?
Would you?

2. Ramen....lots of ramen

The bane of underprivileged college students everywhere, ramen noodles are getting hacked lately, and hacked all hard by anyone with a dollar and some time on their hands. The much media-shared ramen burger is old news now, and in marches the ramen-noodle-crust pizza, the ramen-rolled hot wings, crunchy ramen snack mix, a ramen chocolate bar, ramen-topped shepherd's pie and my fave -- the ramen waffle. Leggo the Eggo and prepare to be transported to the very depths of ramen depravity with a ramen noodle waffle piled high with fresh seasonal berries, whipped cream, bananas and chocolate, or just plain old butter and maple syrup.

I am not entirely convinced that the people who are Instagramming these feats of pure insanity are the same people who are eating them. In fact, I doubt anyone is eating any of them.

A cross-section of a gummy bear bratwurst.
A cross-section of a gummy bear bratwurst.

1. Gummy bear-stuffed sausages

I envy the person who woke up one day and decided that the one thing bratwurst needed but didn't have was handfuls of gummy bears smashed into them, because I've never been that drunk or high, and I wish I had been. That person is Spencer Grundhofer, owner of Grundhofer's Old-Fashioned Meats out of Minnesota, and his bear-infused sausages started out...wait for it...as a joke with a buddy of his. In a case of joke-gone-too-far, Grundhofer ran with it all the way to the bank. Folks who have actually bought and consumed these gummy brats say they are delicious, and the demand for them has grown.

I'm sure Mr. Grundhofer is tickled that his bewilderingly successful gummy bear-laced bratwurst is making the rounds on Facebook, but I betcha there is one guy even more pleased than him -- Wilford Brimley, that old curmudgeon from the "diabeetus!" commercials, who, thanks to creations like gummy-brats, can enjoy employment security.



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