Since Glenn Beck's recent marketing genius includes plugging a kit of 3,792 freeze-dried gourmet entrees for the bargain price of $9,599.99 via foodinsurance.com (don't sweat it, middle-classers, there's a layaway plan for this), he and his fellow Tea Party patriots can rest easy when he's elected overlord of the Northern Hemisphere. Why? Because when he abolishes all social programs and the dirty poor people attack, all good Beckkies will still have their stash of beef stroganoff, chicken teriyaki and Italian wedding soup with meatballs.
Beck could parlay this particular culinary endorsement into the promotion of other fine edibles, some of which already exist and are only lacking his charismatic business acumen, others of which are just itching to be invented. Here are the top four foods that Beck should be hawking:
1. Fancy Cakes. These Little Debbie's classics are spongy white cakes punctuated with white cream filling and white icing, and they are prêt a porter for Beck's endorsement. All he has to say is that President Obama has a deep-seated hatred for white snack cakes or the white snack-cake culture, and these sugary treats will practically sell themselves as the desired snack for a Tea Party.
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2. Anthony Weiners. After Beck's run-in with N.Y. Democratic representative Anthony Weiner over Beck's Goldline sponsorship, there very well could be a market for Glenn Beck's signature Anthony Weiners: They are 200 percent more expensive than the other brands -- and might be eligible for purchase with food stamps.
3. Church's Chicken: Beck could buy this chain, publicly convert it to "The Church's of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" and revamp the menu to include green Jell-O salad, as well as his own order of "Chicken Beckkers." These special poultry gems will have no breading, no dipping sauce and no actual container -- just be served slopped into the eager hands of customers, who will appreciate the fiscally conservative approach to dining.
4.Bailout Burritos: Who better to create his own burrito than the guy who can spot anything stuffed with way too much pork? These burritos will be huge....maybe too huge. In fact, they're huge, huge trouble, and he was told by the people in Washington that the whole thing's going to collapse if we don't do something...pork, oh juicy pork...nom nom nom.