So your brother dumps a bag of Cheetos on your bed so what's your next move? Stab him in the neck with a hunting knife, obviously. A Glenwood Springs guy was arrested for this very act last week (he got caught orange-handed), which could lead to the 'ol "Cheetos made me do it!" defense, but this isn't the first time that America's favorite finger-staining snack chips have been in the news.
Here's a list of the top five famous moments in Cheetos history.
5. Moonwalk Cheeto on eBay.
Thanks to Cheetos, there is at least one weird Michael Jackson incident that you can't actually blame Michael Jackson for. In 2009, a guy seriously discovered a single baked Cheeto that allegedly resembled what could be construed as Michael Jackson's calves and feet doing the moonwalk. The dude claimed he found it the week before Jackson's death, making this small, orange munchable a harbinger of doom. Of course, he put it on eBay (of course he did) and accounts vary wildly as to what actually happened next, but it is rumored that the moonwalking Cheeto was sold for around $35.
I imagine the Cheeto would have sold for more if it had been accompanied by a tiny, glittering glove/hand Cheeto, or a Cheeto shaped like a chimp.
4. The flying Cheetos fight.
Kids these days, with the weird clothes, the crazy hair, and the Cheetos. In 2012 a student at an Indiana public school got in a knock-down-drag-out with an assistant principal over a flying bag of Cheetos. The administrator was apparently struck by the bag; it was uncertain whether the bag was hurled at him or just in his general direction, but when confronted with the allegations of assault by Cheetos, the student attacked Mr. Assistant Principal and grabbed him by the throat.
I think this whole story is suspect because why would any self-respecting teenager waste a perfectly good bag of Cheetos like that? And everyone knows assistant principals are beloved by students everywhere.
3. The janitor who invented Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
If there was ever a classic story of the rags-to-riches American dream, then Richard Montañez has it. While working as a janitor at a California Frito-Lay plant, he had the idea that Cheetos could use a flaming hot face lift, and so this barely-English-speaking entrepreneur nutted up and figured out how to make a viable marketing presentation in two weeks.The company president green-lit the enterprise, which would go on to be Frito-Lay's highest selling snack.
In an ironic twist, Montañez may now be one of the most despised former janitors known to current janitors working in public schools, because flame-y Cheetos fingerprints are a real bitch to clean off of walls.
2. Governor Hickenlooper's cheesy sound bite.
Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper easily got the award for "Cannabis Quote of
Forever the Year" when in 2012 he cautioned eager marijuana legalization proponents not to get their effin' hopes up about the passing of Amendment 64, uttering the now famous line, "The voters have spoken and we have to respect their will. This will be a complicated process, but we intend to follow through. That said, federal law still says marijuana is an illegal drug so don't break out the Cheetos or gold fish too quickly."
Hick was a vocal opponent of the cannabis legalization bill, but had to eat his words (and some Cheetos that were delivered to his office when the vote passed) in short order, demonstrating that legal weed -- and Cheetos -- cannot be denied.
Our lord and savior Jesus Christ appears to us mortals in many forms, including toast, screen doors, strawberries, rocks and sex toys, but when in 2009 a Dallas, Texas couple found him in a bag of Cheetos, it was clearly a sign from heaven. Half of the couple, Sarah Bell, said, "It is a reminder of our blessings from God." The Bells named the divine Cheeto "Cheesus," and considered putting the holy nugget on eBay, but really they should have eaten it to gain its deific powers.
Was Cheesus really a sign from up above? A sign that buying a bag of Cheetos from a gas station is a blessed endeavor? Well, a Jesus-shaped Cheeto is all fine and well, but if someone ever finds a Cheeto that looks like Gregory Hines, that would be the biggest miracle of all.
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