It's late. You've had a few. Or ten. And even though there's nothing on the tube, you crack another beer and keep on channel surfing. A week later, the mailman arrives bearing mysterious packages and the next thing you know, you're sweatin' to the oldies in your Snuggie and cutting your hair with a miniature vacuum while you clap your lights on and off. It happens, man.
In addition to Thighmasters and Gizelles, infomercials have given us plenty of unforgettable kitchen appliances. Here's a list of the top five:
5. Jack Lalanne's Power Juicer: When Lalanne was 70, he swam a mile and half while towing 70 boats filled with 70 people. I'm not sure why in the hell anyone would want to do this, but it definitely gives the guy some credibility. Lalanne's power juicer promises more energy, vitality and life-long fitness. Cleaning this thing would be exercise enough for me. Catch phrase: "That's the power of juice!"
: Forget Billy Mays (sorry Cartman
): Ron Popeil was an informercial God. Among his most popular inventions are the Veg-O-Matic, the Smokeless Ashtray, a contraption that scrambled your eggwhile it was in the shell
, spray on hair, and the legendary Showtime Rotisserie Grill. If you buy now, you'll get a free 40-piece flatware set as well as liquid and solid flavor injectors. Ew.Catch phrase:"Set it and forget it!"
: It's a food processor, even though it sounds like something else. And it was dubbed "the personal, versatile counter-top magician." Heh. The infomercial for the Magic Bullet is thirty minutes long and staged like a sitcom that I kind of expected to lead into softcore porn.Catch phrase: "Does ANY job in 10 seconds...or less!"
(The hits just keep on coming, don't they?)
Even if this thing doesn't work, you can always crank up your television and do the robot with the ShamWow! guy. I'd like some of whatever he's taking.Catch phrase:"Chop nuts in one slap!"
These knives were like immortal superheroes. Bionic and indestructible, they could cut through anything: coffee cans, nails, radiator hoses, your ex-husband's femur -- you name it. And when the tough stuff was over, you could turn around and make the purdiest watermelon boat on this side of the Mississippi.
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