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Top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree

These nasty little chews should be illegal.
These nasty little chews should be illegal.
J. Wohletz

It's another holiday season of broke-ass broke-ness, but I can still celebrate Halloween with the finest tricky treats that the Dollar Tree has to offer. I found some surprisingly boss candies between the aisles of off-off-off brand toilet cleansers and reeky Christmas candles, and since Halloween is a holiday primarily aimed at receiving rather than giving, these cheapo confections are a guilt-free way to do my bit for kids in the neighborhood.. Besides, if people really want quality candy, they'll lock their doors, turn off their porch lights and go trick-or-treating themselves in Highlands Ranch -- taking advantage of the suburbanite Halloweiners who try to impress their neighbors by giving out the good stuff.

Here are the top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree.

Top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

5. Gummy pirate teeth.

I was surprised to see relatively clean and scurvy-free gums on these, and no overt signs of tooth decay.

Top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

4. Candy powder-filled skulls.

Giving small containers filled with suspicious powder to kids seems like a fine idea.

Top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

3. Chewy snakes.

Nothing pleases parents more than having their sweet little sperm-blossoms poking these ersatz-creatures at them on the drive home, especially if the worms are nice and sticky from being sucked on a bit first.

Top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

2. A coffin box filled with gummy severed body parts.

There are gummy foot stumps -- complete with blood -- as well as gummy hearts, gummy eyeballs and tooth-lined gummy jaws in this little cardboard death-box, which look strangely similar to the contents of a dumpster outside any Chinese restaurant on Colfax, minus the gummy part.

Top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

1. A skull-pumpkin bobble head filled with perhaps gum.

What would a medically grafted skull and pumpkin be called? A skumpkin? A pumpkull? Either way, the mystery candy inside is sure to provide a jaw-fracturing good time.


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