If you have a foodie to shop for this year, think about a good mixer or some quality wine. Because unless you're looking for one of those awkward exchanges when your friend opens the gift, looks very confused and then lets out an insincere "Thaaanks, this is great," you don't want to buy them any of this crap. They will hate you.
The top five kitchen gifts sure to ruin the holidays:
5. Chickenborg Egg Cuber: Here's the beginning of the product description: "In the 24th century, the Borg are preternaturally interested in assimilating Earth. Nobody was quite sure why -- Earth's technology was far behind the Borg's own. There were plenty of humanoids all over the galaxy, so why try again and again to assimilate Earth? It made no sense at all."
What makes no sense is this long-winded and geeky story -- or why anyone needs square eggs in the first place. The description continues with the story of chickens from a different planet that lay square eggs that don't fall off plates. Egg-cuber, aka more useless plastic shit to clutter up a drawer.
4. Musical Cake Slicer: It "plays music for every occasion" -- especially if the occasion is an "Annoy the hell out of everyone" party. Among the hits pumping out of this utensil are Jingle Bells and For He's a Jolly Good Fellow. The lucky recipients of this gadget can save their guests the effort by stabbing themselves with it.
3. Nebraska With Heart Cookie Cutter: Nebraska blows. If you've got a friend who loves Nebraska so much that he or she wants to make a cookie expressing it, it's time to get new friends.
2. Hog Wild Twirling Spaghetti Fork: You hear that buzzing sound coming from this dinner utensil? That's the sound of your friend or family member getting fatter. You're basically encouraging them to avoid all physical movement and shovel huge quantities of pasta in their face. This will cause heart disease. I hope you're happy.
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SHOW ME HOW
1. Fruitcake: Are you fucking kidding?