Top five most notable bacon novelties
In this here 'Merica, we can never just cherish a food. It has to become a preoccupation -- an "anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better" obsession. We always have to take it one step further, and we don't give a damn about integrity or redneckery. Case in point: bacon. The Goddess of Pork. The sublime immortal of sweet, salty delicious lard. But can we just appreciate bacon for what it is? No, we have to molest it and manipulate it and exploit its every trait until it nearly becomes a mockery of itself -- a mockery we can make lots and lots of money from.
If you're like us, you longingly admire the wholesomeness of a BLT, certain visceral breakfast staples and the occasional bacon infusion -- bacon bread pudding, for example, where the bacon is fully intact and only accentuates the flavor of something else that's just as amazing. But we're pretty sure you can also appreciate the awesomely bacolicious creativity that brought us the Top five Most Notable Bacon Novelties:
A friend was gifted a box of these Band-Aids years ago, way before the bacon obsession become a monster craze. At first, we used them for paper cuts and hangnails, but before long, we were wearing solely for their coolness, sans injuries.
The majority of bacon novelties are like trailer parks. They're trashy, impure and were born to be paired with a keg of Natural Ice and some Marlboro Reds. The bacon scarf is like the art-deco apartment across the street from the best bistros and boutiques in town. It's classy and sophisticated, yet funky and original. It says, "I love me some bacon" without being obnoxious. And it matches your red Fluevogs.
If you're going to drop eight bucks on a chocolate bar, the least they can do is put some sustenance in that sucker. Milk chocolate. Smoked sea salt. Applewood smoked bacon. Sweet flirts with salty and the rest is history. For other bacon foodstuffs that actually taste like bacon, check out Cornzapoppin's Smoky Cheddar Bacon Gourmet Popcorn and Boca Java's Maple Bacon Morning coffee blend.
Ideally, this would be the juxtaposition that dreams are made of: bacon meets mayonnaise, they become lovers, and you become the proud owner of the Best Condiment Ever Invented. But then J&D, those worthless sons of bitches, went and effed it all up. How could something so simple go so horribly wrong? Because there isn't any pork in it. Baconnaise is vegetarian. Oh, the tragedy.
I picked up a tin of these on a road trip figuring that, if anything, they'd be an excellent conversation piece. We decided to taste test them in a seedy motel room somewhere near the Iowa-Illinois border one night as we were getting ready to grab some dinner. The result looked something like the end of Lard Ass's pie-eating scene in Stand By Me. The little salmon-colored spheres smelled vaguely like smoked bacon, and sort of tasted like it for about three seconds before giving way to a flavor most accurately described as a cross between burning electrical tape and jet fuel. The slightest thought of that debacle makes me dry heave.
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