Archeologists from London's Natural History Museum found 15,000-year-old human skeletal remains in Gough's Cave, Somerset, which indicate that ancient Britons indulged in cannibalism, and even fashioned skulls into drinking cups.
You gotta hand it to the ancient Brits -- they knew how to multi-task. We moderns can take a cue from these old-school Cro-Magnons and dispatch a few useless people, have a fine meal and get a new set of fine boneware all at the same time. Of course, there are pesky and inconvenient legal issues involved nowadays -- like not commiting murder and whatnot -- but when the zombie apocalypse comes, these boneheads will likely be among the first people to get diced into fruit cocktail anyway. So here's our list of the top five people who should be cannibalized and their skulls made into dishware.
5. Lindsay Lohan. Although she's not as tender and juicy as she used to be, this child-star-turned-alleged-necklace-thief doesn't require marinating, because she's already soused in booze, coke and nervous sweat from her frequent stints in court. The only ones who will really miss her are a crop of jackass tabloid-sucklers and her shit-for-brains Svengali father. We may as well weed out both Lindsay and daddy dearest, serve their Hollywood-flavored protein with a side of wilted spinach, and use both their rattling skulls for candy dishes.
4. Senator Dan Patrick (R-TX). Senator Patrick's big achievement this past week was to shove his bill through the Texas Senate, one that will require women seeking an abortion to first get an ultrasound. "This is God's time to pass this bill," he said. He's an easy pick to roast over an open flame with a few slices of pineapple and a handful of cloves tacked into his holy hide. Talking to God directly will be a helluva lot easier for him after the luau, and his skull would make a fantastic decorative fruit bowl.
3. Shannon Johnson. This Facebook-glutting mother of the year is up on charges of child abuse and knowingly and recklessly causing death -- because her thirteen-month-old son drowned in a bathtub while she was "playing a game on Facebook." Make soylent chops out of her, served with a choice of soup or salad, and then post the recipe on Facebook. Her skull would make a superb paper-clip holder for a desk, because parking yourself at a computer desk playing Farmville is a much better move for a parent than supervising a kid in the bathtub.
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2. Tom Deland. Broomfield's police chief is blaming the media, specifically a "9Wants to Know" investigation, for revealing that 15,000 pieces of case evidence were on the chopping block, and 257 pieces of evidence are just plain missing. While claiming that some of the evidence miraculously reappeared, he's pissed that someone ratted out the department's problems. Because it's not like losing evidence for people's court cases isn't a huge fucking problem and the myth of infallible police departments wasn't already debunked by a couple of decades of cop shows on TV. Sauté up his angry, resentful shanks with lemon, garlic and rosemary, and hollow out his noggin to make a key holder for the front desk at the police station. At least then there will be something that Broomfield cops won't lose.
1. Robert Laws. He's the superintendent of the Central Bucks School District in Pennsyvania who gets to decide the fate of Natalie Munroe, the high-school English teacher who blogged about her students being "disengaged, lazy whiners." His career/morally defining fifteen minutes in the media could be completely averted by grinding up his carcass and fashioning it into delicious, nutritious meat patties for school lunches. The students get real meat in their lunch burgers, he gets to avoid having people pissed at him for whatever he decides to do, and everybody wins. His skull would then become a gothic ashtray to put in the teacher's lounge at Central Bucks East High School, because teaching anything to other peoples' snotty brats is an important and thankless job -- and if smoking and blogging is the worst thing teachers do, then they deserve paid junkets to Tahiti, company cars, healthy raises and bonuses, as well as a free carton of Camel wides every week.