As long as there are pigs and people alive on the earth, bacon will never be over. Food trends have come, gone, lingered past their usefulness and then been recycled every week on the Food Network, but bacon remains an emotive staple, and a timeless culinary reality. Bacon has been battered and deep-fried, dipped in chocolate, made into wallets and cologne, and has graced every meal, breakfast, lunch and dinner with its poetic salty smoke since the dawn of civilization when humans invented fire in order to cook it.
Anyone claiming that bacon is no longer cool should be rubbed with bacon grease, set ablaze, and danced around in a public forum amid shrieks of "Liar, liar, your bacon-smeared ass is on fire!" Amongst the rational reasons, here are the top five reasons why bacon will never be over (and no, Denny's Baconalia is not one of them):
5. Men must have it in order to like salads.
Some men eat garden salads, and their significant others will gaze with smiling countenance upon them. But watch these men closely. Their eyes will linger over the tub of bacon bits on the salad bar like they're stoned at a Radiohead concert. Bacon pieces make salads taste more like meat, and there is no better way to get a man to fork down a big bowl of weeds than to offer him some sort of prize, like getting down to the soggy bottom of the bowl and finding a cache of smoky fried meat tidbits. Men will pretend to like a lot of things to make you happy, so give him a break and let him have lettuce with hope sprinkled on top.
Breakfast for dinner is a common bond that all Americans from all walks of life share, and even if your neighbor screwed your wife, stole your table saw and murdered your dog in cold blood with a riding mower yesterday, if there is bacon on his table, he will offer you a slice, and if he gives you a second piece wrapped in a piece of buttered toast, then all past ills will be pleasantly forgotten.
3. It's a primate thing. Who are we, as modern humans, to deny our history with fat, salt and sugar? Back in the days when high-energy foods were what kept our species going through ice ages (and warm, perfect summers), it was no crime to cram our guts with fatty meat, and nowadays the fast-food and commercial junk-food industries have spent decades and billions of dollars to keep us all in the mindset that fueling up on sugary, salty, fatty foods like bacon isn't just for survival, it's a blessed human right -- so instead of wasting energy arguing, why not just grab a frying pan and start an endorphin rush?
1. Bacon will get you laid.
It's true. Try stripping naked, holding a bacon sandwich in your hand, and approaching anyone with a heartbeat -- and they will immediately thank every god there is, and you'll be duh, winning like Charlie Sheen in the time it takes to spell n-i-t-r-a-t-e-s. http://mt.laweekly.com/mt.cgi?__mode=view&_type=entry&id=455302&blog_id=142&saved_changes=1
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!