Like most major holidays, Valentine's Day is a day for foodies and, even more important, foodies for the day (FFTD). FFTDs plan romantic dinners; try to convey deep, passionate love through chocolate selections; and purchase just the right edible gifts to show their partners how much they care about their stomachs -- and parts beyond. But unfortunately, FFTDs are prone to amateur mistakes, and on this the day of days, the difference between a night of sheet-ripping bed sport and an evening of cold-war-ignore may well be riding on how well the edible favors are presented.
Never fear, rube FFTDs: Your V-Day will be as smooth as a caramel-covered cheesecake if you follow this list of the top five things NOT to feed your date on Valentine's Day. Whether or not you get to the creamy nougat center this year depends on how you handle your peanuts.
5. No edible underwear. French-cut, briefs, boy shorts or G-strings -- any and all of these, in edible form, are bad. First, because they all taste like chocolate-cherry bison shit; second, because one-size-fits-all fits almost no one; third, because wrapping your lover's junk in stale Fruit Roll-Ups is the furthest thing from sexy that there is, right up there with asking "Was it good for you?" And even the gummy underwear is off limits. Gummy things are usually delicious, but do you really get sprung digging melted blue raspberry goo out of someone's butt crack?
4. No candy underwear, either. Undergarments fashioned out of hard, dry, lumps of badly flavored confections on little elastic strings might have seemed charming and creative in your freshman year of college, but keep in mind that was the same year that sucking cheap malt liquor out of your roommate's mom's funeral urn was what you did for fun. If the creepy, Hello Kitty pastel colors aren't pedo-sleazy enough to chase wood away, then maybe the thought of inadvertently getting a tuft of pubes racked up in a strand of elastic will perish the libido altogether.
3. No fruit bouquets. At some point, somebody, somewhere decided that a bunch of flowers fashioned out of watermelon was the gift people wanted to give and receive. That's probably true, as long as the person on the receiving end of the cantaloupe cornucopia isn't someone you are trying to sleep with. Edible bouquets make excellent gifts for aunties, uncles, grammies, paw-paws and even landlords, but if you want to send a clear message to your date on Valentine's Day, please don't let it be "You make me so hot -- have some honeydew melon and mushy grapes on sticks."
2. No big heart cookies. If your romantic creativity begins and ends at the mall food court, then try to remember how much sex you weren't getting in high school, and step up your game accordingly. Buying your valentine a huge chocolate chip cookie is just about as awesome as when you put on your best Hammer pants, rocked some Bell Biv DeVoe and hoped for a wine-cooler-induced grope. You're all grown up now, at least on the outside, so if you have to haunt the mall for a gift, skip Mrs. Fields and make a beeline for the Godiva Chocolatier -- that'll at least put you on par with your college years, when you actually got laid.
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1. No steak, loaded baked potato, salad, soup and dessert. It's almost a national mandate that you take your date out to a restaurant for Valentine's Day, but have you ever seriously contemplated how stuffing your beloved with meat, potatoes, bread, lettuce, broccoli-cheese soup and a slab of layer cake will adversely affect the rest of your evening? Taking a walk after dinner might seem romantic, but usually it's because overstuffed nausea is setting in, and by the time you get home, your carb-laden bodies will want to sleep it off -- not turn it on. Take it easy when you're out -- maybe get an appetizer and a few vodka gimlets, and skip the omnivorous carnival. Because this is one of those nights where a gag reflex is incredibly inopportune.