Top five ways to deal with the Srirachapocalypse
For those of you not keeping up on the latest news involving Sriracha, the versatile and beloved chili sauce may be getting scarce, thanks to some residents of Irwindale, California, who are petitioning the city to shut down the Huy Fong Foods factory, citing irritated eyes and throats and headaches due to cock-sauce production. As a result, there could soon be a Sriracha shortage, and this could bring about gloom, doom and an honest-to-gods Srirachapocalypse.
Here are five ways to survive the Srirachapocalypse:
5. Beat the horde -- and hoard it
Not having unfettered access to the coveted chili sauce is almost too painful to imagine. That's why having a backup stash -- and a backup to the backup -- is smart in the event that Sriracha becomes scarce. So right now, hit every Asian food market, every big-box chain store and every family member's cupboard to pillage.
Then hide your spicy bottles of loot under lock and key, and don't tell anyone you have a secret stash unless you want to be pillaged yourself.
4. Try a different brand of sauce
It's almost sacrilegious to speak the names of other, lesser chili sauces (so I won't), but yes, there are other brands out there. Some are jarred, some are in less recognizable bottles -- with no telltale white rooster -- and some are even available in little tear-packets. Sure, changing brands won't be easy when you are used to the distinctive flavor of real Siracha, and the substitutes will lack the ever-winning combination of sweet, vinegary and hot bitey flavors, but at least the back-burner sauces aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
But changing brands should only be done if you are past the insane level of desperation.
3. Use what you have sparingly -- make it last
The difficulty level involved with using only a teensy-weensy bit of sriracha at a time is higher than the delicious endorphin rush that you get from really squirting on the stuff. But if the scary rumors are true, then you may only be able to use a little drop of Sriracha on each piece of chicken, steak, pork chop or slice of tofu, in order to make what you have stretch as far as possible. A single bottle of cock sauce could last months if you mete it out like a miser.
This rule for Sriracha survival does not apply to hot dogs, however: Some things demand a full ribbon.
2. DIY sriracha
It is absolutely possible to make Sriracha at home, all by yourself, in your spare time. Search the Internet for a trusted source (if such a thing can be found these days) and turn some chili, salt, garlic, sugar and vinegar into your very own sriracha, any time you want.
Of course, making the stuff will permeate everything within a ten-mile radius, may cause respiratory issues, and could get you fined by local authorities...so be sure you do it in a spot you'd normally make meth.
1. Make a cocky fortune on the Internet
For those Sriracha lovers who also have entrepreneurial talents, this possible Srirachapocalypse is a chili-soaked business opportunity, worth a potential fortune. Hoarded cases of sauce can be sold by the bottle for exorbitant prices on eBay, Amazon or on your own website (try using www.smartasfuck.com) and you can cleverly turn what could be a miserable, Sriracha-devoid existence for the U.S. into your own situational-exploitative empire by capitalizing on a scarcity model and making everyone pay out the ass for the addictive red chli condiment that everyone lusts after.
But only if you can manage to be a good dealer and not use up all your own product.
For more on Sriracha from our archives, see:
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