When the King Soopers at 1331 Speer Boulevard went through a major remodel ten months ago, the overall shopping experience definitely improved. But there's still a resounding sketchiness to the place. Herewith, ten proof positive examples:
10. I never see the same deli employee twice, despite going there both at regular and irregular intervals. What happens to them at the end of the shift? I don't know, but it makes me look at the roast beef very, very carefully.
9. The 45-year-old selling candy bars outside the store "to help with my middle school fundraiser."
8. Large amounts of seafood on the money-saving "Managers Special." Great deal, or Russian Roulette of the bowels?
7. The new little samples of gourmet cheese? At first, I was thrilled. Then I found a Band-Aid in the sample tray under a piece of Gruyere.
6. It's only a matter of time before one of those birds always flying around the store shits on your shoulder.
5. Odds of running into people I don't want to see at the grocery store are astronomical: my bikini waxer, the guy I threw up on after a night at Croc's Mexican Grill, maybe even Ted Haggard. They all seem to magically show up in the parallel checkout lane when the lines are taking forever.
4. Speaking of checkout lines of biblical proportions, even Moses couldn't part the sea of cranky urbanites that forms at the only two checkout lines open around dinnertime -- ostensibly the time of day when one might expect you to staff the store appropriately, given the increase in traffic.
3. The sign asking customers to "Please Wait Here to Respect Other Patients Privacy" at the pharmacy is so close to the window that I overheard the questions about anal leakage posed by the person in front of me and the clerks in back giggling about it.
2. No solid proof yet, but many signs are pointing to "Self Checkout Unit #3" being an evil robot bent on world destruction.
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SHOW ME HOW
1. I once saw a small child crouched on the "Damaged Goods, Final Sale" shelves.