I blame pineapple.
That's really where it started to go wrong. Once you decide that fruit is a reasonable pizza topping (and no, Mr. Fun-Facts, tomatoes don't count), it's a short trip to a slice of tuna salad, brownie and lemongrass.
So yes, America has adopted the pizza, and that means lots of experimenting. But is a BBQ pizza your best bet for great BBQ experience? Is a BLT pizza much more than a novelty? Not really. They're edible. But they're not pizza. And neither are the ten items on this list.
10. Breakfast Pizza
We already had breakfast pizza; it's called leftover pizza. Besides, cracking an egg over something doesn't make it automatically breakfast food anyway. It's the same thing it was a minute ago, only you ruined it and wasted an egg. 9. Cheesy Bread/Bread Sticks/Cinna-Stix/Oreo Pizza
This is nothing but the Ron Popeil method of marketing pizza dough. Grate some cheese and make cheese bread! Add garlic salt and you have restaurant-quality bread sticks to offer your guests! Sprinkle some cinnamon sugar and dip it in some frosting to delight the kids at home! But wait, there's more! It's also a temporary catcher's mitt! Offer it to your young ones as a safe-to-eat alternative to modeling clay! Now how much would you pay? Don't answer yet because ... well, because they tend to give you this shit for free when you order. Makes a great gift! 8. Totino's Pizza Rolls/Jeno's Pizza Rolls/Bagel Bites
These are great ... if you're twelve, and your mom says you can use the microwave if you're really, really careful. Otherwise, no. Once you outgrow slumber parties and you stop referring to your age in fractions of years? Yeah, you're done with these too.
7. Domino's Double-Decker PizzaThere's good Double-Decker Pizza, and then there's Domino's. In 2004, Domino's came out with a dish that was supposed to rival east coast pizzas for depth and deliciousness. And yet, they only succeeded in creating a bready cracker-stacked abomination. This is a common mistake among national pizza chains, trying to pick up on a regional specialty but failing utterly in the translation. Pizza chains aren't about great; they're about ready quick, delivered fast, and good enough not to bitch. 6. Cheeseless Pizza
This is not pizza. Pizza requires cheese -- it's the gesso that holds the work of art that is the juxtaposition of crust and sauce and meats and vegetables all together in gastronomic triumph. I'm genuinely sorry that you're lactose intolerant, but this isn't the answer. Put down the soy, back away, and we can all go home to our families.
5. Stuffed Crust Pizza Hut doesn't believe America is fat enough yet. At nearly 250 extra calories per slice, this is hardly worth it unless you're a famous movie star bravely taking on a role that requires you to look like the rest of America. In which case, hey, try dipping that stuffed crust in some of this Papa John's Garlic Butter while you're at it. Mmm...taste that? It's like chewing up and swallowing entire years of your life. 4. McPizza
McDonald's has tried numerous ways to make pizzas just as average and disappointing as their burgers; ironically, they didn't tend to use the name "McPizza" in American markets -- realizing, perhaps, that savvy customers had sussed out that pretty much anything that starts with "Mc" must Mcsuck. Lack of "Mc" notwithstanding, the pizza took twenty minutes to make -- a lifetime in terms of how long you want to sit in the red and yellow hell of a McD's. Admitting that their sausage was partially made from Grimace was also a marketing mis-step. 3. American Cheeseburger Pizza
Yes, there are a whole bunch of seriously crappy pizzas out there that are just as ridiculous as this one. But I had the misfortune of eating this back in 2005, when Donald Trump was shilling this Domino's monstrosity together with his show The Apprentice. It boasts something that you just don't generally want to see connected with good pizza: mayonnaise. Wait, two things: mayonnaise and Donald Trump. 2. ChefBoyardee Pizza Kit
There's a certain tinny charm to some ChefBoyardee products; for years, I had no idea that aluminum wasn't a main ingredient in red sauce. But this box bypasses even that limited attraction and offers up the dining equivalent of saltines with ketchup and maybe some velveeta you found on the floor. At least, you hope that was velveeta. 1. Corn Dog Pizza
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Dear god. Or, more precisely: mamma mia!