Top ten ways America ruined pizza

Top ten ways America ruined pizza

I blame pineapple.

That's really where it started to go wrong. Once you decide that fruit is a reasonable pizza topping (and no, Mr. Fun-Facts, tomatoes don't count), it's a short trip to a slice of tuna salad, brownie and lemongrass.

So yes, America has adopted the pizza, and that means lots of experimenting. But is a BBQ pizza your best bet for great BBQ experience? Is a BLT pizza much more than a novelty? Not really. They're edible. But they're not pizza. And neither are the ten items on this list.

10. Breakfast Pizza

We already had breakfast pizza; it's called leftover pizza. Besides, cracking an egg over something doesn't make it automatically breakfast food anyway. It's the same thing it was a minute ago, only you ruined it and wasted an egg. 9. Cheesy Bread/Bread Sticks/Cinna-Stix/Oreo Pizza

Top ten ways America ruined pizza

This is nothing but the Ron Popeil method of marketing pizza dough. Grate some cheese and make cheese bread! Add garlic salt and you have restaurant-quality bread sticks to offer your guests! Sprinkle some cinnamon sugar and dip it in some frosting to delight the kids at home! But wait, there's more! It's also a temporary catcher's mitt! Offer it to your young ones as a safe-to-eat alternative to modeling clay! Now how much would you pay? Don't answer yet because ... well, because they tend to give you this shit for free when you order. Makes a great gift! 8. Totino's Pizza Rolls/Jeno's Pizza Rolls/Bagel Bites

Top ten ways America ruined pizza

These are great ... if you're twelve, and your mom says you can use the microwave if you're really, really careful. Otherwise, no. Once you outgrow slumber parties and you stop referring to your age in fractions of years? Yeah, you're done with these too.

7. Domino's Double-Decker PizzaThere's good Double-Decker Pizza, and then there's Domino's. In 2004, Domino's came out with a dish that was supposed to rival east coast pizzas for depth and deliciousness. And yet, they only succeeded in creating a bready cracker-stacked abomination. This is a common mistake among national pizza chains, trying to pick up on a regional specialty but failing utterly in the translation. Pizza chains aren't about great; they're about ready quick, delivered fast, and good enough not to bitch. 6. Cheeseless Pizza

Top ten ways America ruined pizza

This is not pizza. Pizza requires cheese -- it's the gesso that holds the work of art that is the juxtaposition of crust and sauce and meats and vegetables all together in gastronomic triumph. I'm genuinely sorry that you're lactose intolerant, but this isn't the answer. Put down the soy, back away, and we can all go home to our families.



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