What are two things that people really want right now? You guessed it: new flavors of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and more Republican primary coverage. Last week Ben & Jerry's announced that it is debuting Greek frozen yogurt, bringing back "Chocolate Therapy" (chocolate ice cream, choco-cookies and chocolate pudding swirl), and adding "Walk Down the Rocky Road-ish" (toasted marshmallow ice cream/swirl with chocolate covered almonds) and "I like to Nougat, Nougat" (sweet cream ice cream with fudge wafer cookies chocolate nougat swirl). Meanwhile, the GOP primary candidates are bringing back the 1950s -- but their retro views on birth control might go over better with a side of ice cream.
Here are five GOP-inspired flavors that Ben & Jerry's should consider introducing. Cherries on top are optional.
You won't be able to help getting that delicious, holier-than-thou feeling when you pop the top off a tub of Rick "Google Problem" Santorum-inspired ice cream. The plain vanilla is studded with plump, juicy raisins and a special, frothy brown mixture of rum and caramel swirl that's sure to delight Santorum supporters. Having Dan Savage licking a spoon on the label would surely help this confection reach a wide consumer base.
4. "Ron Paul's Praline."
If life begins at conception, then so does ice cream. Ron Paul's delightful namesake treat will be as vanilla as it can be, and chock-full of nuts: walnuts, peanuts, almonds, pecans -- but no Brazil nuts. Those nuts come from a place way too close to Mexico and might be imported illegally. This ice cream creation will be a huge hit with college students all over the country, and since it will mostly be sold on the Internet, some may wonder why it's being sold at all.
3. "Newt Sensation."
Since hypocrisy hasn't yet been developed into an ice cream flavor, Gingrich ice cream fans will have to make do with a pint of vanilla salaciously adulterated with at least three different kinds of peaches and a lovely raspberry swirl. But Newt's ice cream supporters had better buy this stuff up quick, because if it sits on the shelf too long, Newt may lose interest in it and move on to a new flavor.
Any ice cream named after GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney should have three different flavors in the same pint: a safe, standard vanilla, a "lay-it-on-thick" butterscotch, and a chocolate fudge. Anyone who tries this ice cream will want to flip-flop between the different flavors every few minutes, just to see which one works the best. And since Romney currently has the most voter support, why not give him an additional pint of "Yo-Mitt" low-fat, no-sugar-added, decaf-coffee-flavored frozen yogurt? He may downplay his Mormon faith, but ice cream buyers in Utah and Southern Idaho deserve an ice cream they can identify with, and it'll also come in special gallon tubs for families with lots and lots of kids.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
1. "Rush-ing Roulette."
Okay, so technically Rush Limbaugh is not running for anything -- except maybe "Feminist Male of the Year" -- but everyone's favorite pill-billy deserves an honorable mention with other right-wing, conservative ice cream candidates. His signature ice cream will definitely be strawberry-pink, and loaded with candy aspirin and Vicodin. This ice cream will be so good you'll feel it down to your knees, and Limbaugh can help pimp it out to his supporters as "Better Than Birth Control."