Jonathan McNamaraVeggies, fruits or healthy snacks: Talk about a trick. You wanted something filled with sugar and preferably neon but instead you got stuck with celery sticks. Save the rabbit food for the Easter Bunny.
Jonathan McNamaraDiabetic candy: Diabetic candy is Halloween's decaf coffee. There's no sugar, it's usually filled with coconut and it's likely been wedged between a make-up case and a cell phone n your grandmother's purse.
Jonathan McNamaraPlastic shit: What the hell am I supposed to do with a bat ring?
Jonathan McNamaraBibles and any other religious scripture: The power of Satan compels you to get some damn candy!
Jonathan McNamara"Fun size" candy: There's nothing fun about less candy.
Jonathan McNamaraSchool supplies: Oh great! Just what I wanted on Halloween, a reminder that after I take this costume off I still have to study for that multiplication quiz. Thanks for the dose of harsh reality.
Jonathan McNamaraWax bottles: When you finally get these suckers open you'll discover they're filled with high-fructose corn syrup and "red." But before you get to that you'll have to eat wax!
Jonathan McNamaraPeppermints: If you're so cheap that you'll toss us the mints that came with your take-out instead of buying real candy, you deserve the bag of dog shit I'll be setting on fire and leaving on your porch later.
Jonathan McNamaraPennies: These are especially bad if accompanied by advice to "save them for a rainy day."
Jonathan McNamaraSmarties: What's that? You like Smarties. I do too. It's just too bad that every giant bag of mixed candy has 100 packages of these tiny, chalky disks. When I started trick-or-treating, ending the night with ten pounds of Smarties is not what I had in mind.
Jonathan McNamaraSomeone else's hand: Stay out of my damn candy!