Film and TV

A close opening weekend at the box office for two really shitty movies

As the summer blockbuster season winds down to its weakest dregs, two terrible movies -- one about James Bond as a cowboy battling aliens with a wristwatch that shoots lasers, the other about a group of zany blue anthropomorphic creatures who substitute their name for various other words -- vie for box-office supremacy. Now over the initial opening-weekend hump, the numbers are in and the two wretched turds appear to be nearly neck-and-neck in terms of gross, with the cowboy one eking out a narrow lead over the little-blue-people one, leaving a nation to wonder, what did we do that was so wrong?

The two rancid pieces of trash to which the term "film" could be only liberally applied -- which, if God had any mercy, would have gone straight to DVD and tied with a gross of $0 -- easily took the number 1- and 2-grossing spots of the weekend, also claiming spots for the 216th and 217th highest-grossing opening weekends of all time, respectively, with a revenue gap of just $800,000. Apparently people enjoy bitter, bitter medicine relating to cowboys that are also James Bond slightly more than they enjoy bitter medicine related to small blue creatures co-starring with Doogie Howser, though, because the cowboy one took home $35.6 million -- more money than you or I will ever even be able to imagine in our lives -- while the blue fart-joke one garnered $35.6.

That ultimate figure differed from the projections of experts whose depression and growing sense of futility has somehow not caused them to end their own lives yet, who had speculated originally that cowboy/James Bond would handily win the weekend, but then later amended their projections based on a stronger-than-expected opening night from blue people/Doogie Howser to predict a tie.

Meanwhile, another major-studio film, which featured a cast of critically respected actors in a thoughtful ensemble comedy and also opened over the weekend, grossed just slightly more than half the weekend numbers of the two leading pieces of crap.

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Jef Otte
Contact: Jef Otte