Jordan LaRousse and Samantha Sade run the Oysters & Chocolate erotica empire from their home base in Boulder, and they're celebrating the release of their second book, Mastering Your Man from Head to Head: How to work your man below the belt, between the ears, and beneath the sheets for exceptional sex, tonight at Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret. Mastering Your Man is a how-to guide prompted by the late-night ladies' cock-talk realization that, although women wield a lot of power in any sexual relationship, many of us don't have any idea what to do with it.
"A lot of women are still really misinformed about men's sexuality," LaRousse says. "We wanted to take it on ourselves to be like the best best friends possible and help clear up the myths out there. You know? Men don't expect you do be a porn star in bed. Their hand size and cock size aren't connected."
The authors dedicated the book to their friends Brent and Steve, and brought in a panel of experts including clinical sexologist Richard Wagner (aka Dr. Dick) to give a male perspective. They also reached out to their fans at OystersAndChocolate.com with a sex survey as the first phase of research for the book.
"I think the most interesting finding from the survey was how much men want sex versus how much they have sex," LaRousse says. "There's a clear correlation: If you're a guy getting it once a week, you want it 2-3 times per week. If you're having sex daily, you want it 2-3 times daily. Basically the more they get, the more they want, whereas women are mostly happy with what they're getting, which means they're controlling how much it happens."
The book is tailored to a broad audience, but LaRousse says the local representatives of the species have some unique needs. "Our survey didn't break it down by location, but from my own experience I can say that Colorado men are a little more outdoorsy when it comes to sex. They're more inclined to want to have sex in the woods when you're on a hike, or in the ski gondola. They tend to be willing to try a little bit of everything on the menu, too."
Food analogies are the authors' specialty: Their previous book Oysters & Chocolate: Erotic Stories of Every Flavor ran with the concept, and their new survey suggests that men do indeed have a taste for just about everything: 35 percent of the men in their survey said they had experience with BDSM, for example. And the foodie news is quite literal, too: On one page you'll learn that "one teaspoon of semen contains 5 calories, 150 mg of protein, 11 mg of carbohydrates, 6mg fat, 3 mg cholesterol, 7 percent U.S. RDA potassium and 3 percent U.S. RDA copper and zinc" and on the next that women report their man's semen tastes like everything from coconut and cake frosting to sushi and salt water taffy.
Their book goes quite a bit beyond the vanilla basics, too. You'll learn deep-throat techniques and ball-handling skills, prostate and perineum massage. You'll also get answers to age-old questions like "why use sex toys when he already has a dirty t-shirt and Vaseline?" learn how to "bring out the sexual wild side of your man" and find out what to do "once you've lured this beast out into the open."
The fun continues tonight with burlesque performances by Fannie Spankings, Honey Touche, Professor Phelyx, Lady Shanime, Reid Belstock, Orchid Mei, Tatianna TaTa, Peggy Tulane, aerialist Midnite Martini, magician Chad Allen and pianist Larry Wegner.
"People should call for tickets in advance, since I have a feeling it will sell out," LaRousse says. "It's gonna be crazy and fabulous, and it's always great to meet our fans. Our audience is very, very smart, and we run into the most amazing people from awesome walks of life. We seem to attract positive, horny, energetic, fun people, and we've been pretty fortunate to have the people we do in our circle of influence."
Mastering Your Man From Head to Head book release party at Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret, 8 p.m., featuring Naughty Pierre's Burlesque & Comedy Extravaganza. Call 303-293-0075 to reserve tickets ($20).
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