Some of us were fortunate enough to have parents cool enough to buy us all theSuper Mario
games we needed. Others weren't so lucky. These poor souls were stuck with third-rate, non-licensed Christian games likeBible Adventures
. Fortunately, even those of us that missed these classics can play them now.
The Wisdom Tree Arcade has actually been up and running for about a year now, but starting this week you can get free games and other prizes if you can nab the high score. All you need to do is take a screenshot (what, no leader boards?) of your score and email it to Wisdom Tree with your name and age. All and all, it seems like as good a time as any to mention these games, even if our personal favorite, Super 3D Noah's Ark, is missing from the list.
When you pop over to the arcade, ahem, "Arcade!" you'll get seven titles to choose from. The first is Spirtual Warfare, where you play as a soldier of the army of God. You're tasked with finding God's armor, which he apparently lost somehow. The whole time, your faith is tested when enemies pop up and boring things happen -- your faith in fun that is. Who knew answering Bible questions could be so boring?
Bible Adventures gives you three different games in one; unfortunately, they're all the worst games you've ever played. "Noah's Ark" has you picking up animals for your ark. We of course can't validate the historical accuracy of this, but we always assumed Noah just had a kick-ass whistle to something. "Baby Moses" plays like a poor man's Super Mario Bros 2, where you pick up a baby Moses and run around. "David and Goliath," is kind of the same thing, but you can throw sheep at mean squirrels to put them to sleep... or something. There is a lot of picking up and throwing in Bible Adventures, proving that nobody at Wisdom Tree had a creative solution to making games without guns.
Bible Buffet is something along the lines of a demented version of a Candy Land that has tons of mini-games on each block. It's true to its title in at least one facet: It has food in it. Weirdly, the Bible isn't mentioned in the game at all, at least not as far as we could tell.
Exodus is a run-around-and-solve-puzzles game. In between each level, you're tasked with answering incredibly bizarre Bible questions, like the one below. Your reward? A weird and often violent picture.
Joshua is some type of... wait, actually Joshua is just Exodus again... but you play as Joshua now.
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King of Kings is yet another three-in-one pack. "The Wise Men" puts you on a camel that spits at enemies, all while you're supposed to be picking up glowing frankincense or something. Sometimes, an evil cactus will hinder your way. "Flight to Egypt" is kind of the same thing, except instead of a camel you're on a donkey, and instead of spitting a projectile, you kick things. "Jesus and the Temple" apparently goes with the ancient Bible tale of the time Jesus got lost. Unfortunately, he managed to do so in an area with fish that attack you and angry bees, so be prepared to dodge everything because you can't attack. This is the worst thing ever. Don't believe us? Here's the game's story-intro:
Sunday Funday is one last three-pack. The game plops you on a skateboard, where you need to avoid bullies to get to Sunday school, which doesn't sound particularly fun to us. "Fishfall" is, eh, a game about capturing parachuting fish and throwing them at an eel. "4Him" is the best game on the list... it's karaoke, with Nintendo-style music about God. Instant win.
If you've got the stamina to get a high-score, we salute you. Let us know if you win something cool. We could hardly make it through most of these games, either because we're pagans, or because they're just the worst things ever.
Play the whole collection here.