Fashion

Camobooty -- For Manly Hunters Who Want Boobs on their Chest

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STEW: That’s right, Lew. I got big-boobed Betties all up and down my long-sleeve tee and head bandanna. They’re straddling each other in every which way, and best of all, they’re in camouflaged colors so the mooses don’t see me when I put hot lead in their brain plate. (beat) I’ll tell you a secret: They’re on my boxers, too, just to keep me comp’ny, if you catch my drift.

LEW: Can I see…

STEW: No.

LEW: Darn it, Stew! (beat) Where’d you get such hot duds, Stew?

STEW: Why, from CAMOBOOTY, of course! You can find them on them-thar Internet at www.camobooty.com, and they have a storefront they open up on special occasions at 34th and Navajo.

LEW: That’s great, Stew! But I don’t think Curley Sue’s ever gonna let me git near any of that naughty stuff with a ten-foot beanpole.

STEW: Just git her some, too! For the ladies there are Camobooty camisoles, ribs tanks with lace, even booty shorts!

LEW: (visibly excited) Booty shorts!

STEW: That’s right. And there’s four color schemes to choose from: Foxy Pine, Snowy Angels, Heartbreak Pink and Bushy Vixen.

LEW: (looking hot around the collar) Oh wow. Maybe I’ll git her some for Chanukah.

STEW: (confused and worried) Chanukah?

LEW: Just kiddin!

The two laugh.

LEW: (looking lasciviously at Stew’s head) Hey, uh, Stew, do you think I could borrow them-thar bandana and take it behind them-thar tree…

STEW: No.

LEW: Darn it, Stew!

CUT TO CAMOBOOTY LOGO

ANNOUNCER: Cambooty – For manly hunters who want boobs on their chest.

FINAL FADE OUT. -- Joel Warner

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Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.
Contact: Joel Warner