Aside for obvious problems with suspension of disbelief -- how are we going to pretend Chris "The Birdman" Andersen is Santa when we already know he's The Birdman? -- hiring a celebrity to play Kris Kringle can create a slew of dissonance and mildly disturbing associations, particularly if that celebrity has a, ahem, tarnished reputation (is that really snow on your beard, Santa?). Nevertheless, there are far creepier candidates to play Santa than little old drug-suspension Birdman. So in advance of his appearance as Santa at the J.W. Marriott on Sunday, we give you nine other celebrity laps we'd just as soon avoid. Scottie Ewing "Swinging" Scottie Ewing was a professional skier once upon a time, but these days is better known as a swingers'-club proprietor and alleged high-end pimp -- though even back in his pro-ski days, his business card credited his occupation as "male prostitute." You know that song "Baby, It's Cold Outside?" Think of Scottie Ewing as the male singer, and then shudder.
Ted Haggard Speaking of male prostitutes, who could forget the story of Ted Haggard, the pious evangelical pastor who was outed by a beefcake rent-a-boy for purchasing meth and, ahem, utilizing his services? We're still pretty gleeful about that one, but we definitely do not want to tell him what we want for Christmas.
Tom Martino For a nominal fee of just a couple of thousand bucks, Tom "The Troubleshooter" Martino will endorse Tom "The Troubleshooter" Martino as an excellent candidate to play Santa Clause as played by Tom "The Troubleshooter" Martino. Now, doesn't that make you feel secure? Dealin' Doug Moreland We can't really pinpoint it, but something about this guy just makes us nervous. James Dobson He's better known now for his belief that "tolerance" and "diversity" are code words for the homosexual agenda, but back in the day, Dobson made his name with a book called Dare to Discipline, which recommended corporal punishment for children. Remember, kids: He knows when you've been bad or good, and he will not hesitate to bring the pain. Duane "Dog" Chapman There's no real reason, other than his awesome mullet and penchant for leather vests with no shirts under them, that bounty-hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman couldn't be Santa Clause -- but considering his five marriages and twelve children, chances are you're not going to get much from his bag o' gifts. Except maybe the hammer of justice. Charlie Sheen He's not exactly local, but Sheen did use Aspen as a venue for his domestic violence charge and conviction -- and now that he's on probation in Colorado, we get to extradite him back here every time he, oh, say, violently threatens a porn star. There was talk, once, of his doing community service to repent for his deeds. Let us hope that that service never includes being Santa.
Josh McDaniels The stench of failure is kind of like pine sap: Once you get it on you, it's pretty tough to scrub off.
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Perrish Cox Speaking of the year of the über-fail Broncos, McDaniels isn't the only one experiencing serious personal problems this year; cornerback Perrish Cox is under investigation for an alleged sexual assault back in September. Innocent until proven guilty and everything, and the police haven't released a whole lot of details, but preliminary indications suggest Cox may have known when someone was sleeping, if you're catching our drift.