Blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs, vodka.
You'd think, at a Chelsea Handler comedy show sponsored by Belvedere Vodka, that there'd be more vodka plugs, more jokes about alcohol or more punchlines about boozing it up with your girlfriends.
But there weren't. The only plugs that Chelsea -- or any of the three other comedians on the tour (Brad Wollack, Heather McDonald and Josh Wolf) -- mentioned last night were butt plugs.
But there were also A LOT of penis jokes, pussy jokes (Chelsea referenced her vagina as "Pikachu") and blow job jokes -- most of which came first from Josh during his set, then from Chelsea during hers. (That's not to say that Heather wasn't great, either, because she was, with her Celine Dion and Drew Barrymore impressions and the jokes about her possibly "gay or retarded son -- but I'm hoping for gay").
Chelsea made little mention of alcohol at Wells Fargo Theatre last night for her "Lies That Chelsea Told Me" show. Initially, she drank water on stage, but when Josh came bearing Belvedere on a Segway, Chelsea just couldn't resist. From that point, when she did mention alcohol, it was funny -- like side-splittingly funny.
"There are only two types of people in the world: people who drink while on their medication and people who clap when the plane lands," Chelsea said.
As far as medication went, though, even the cortisone shot she said she took before the show couldn't help her allergies, which afflicted her face, giving her a blotchy appearance. "It looks like I got raped," she lamented.
So Chelsea made a few jokes about her appearance last night. She also made many a self-deprecating joke about her high-school self, including her awkward but cocky-as-shit cheerleader tryouts. "I have no coordination whatsoever. Afterward, the school nurse came up to me and said that she needed to test me for scoliosis after what she'd seen during my tryout."
But it wouldn't be a Chelsea show without mention of her Asian fans -- "there are typically three at every venue" -- and her self-proclaimed lack of racism.
"The jokes I make aren't racist. Saying you want an Asian accountant isn't racist, because they're good at math. Telling an Asian person that they smell like an egg roll -- now, that would be racist."
After the show, Chelsea, Brad, Heather and Josh all sat down for a twenty-minute Q&A, when the audience got to know the dynamics of their working environment (all four comedians appear on Chelsea Lately). "I had my hands full of leftover food, and I'm walking down the hallway. There's Chelsea, looking at me as she's holding her electric toothbrush. She comes over to me, sticks her toothbrush between my legs and turns it on. She rubbed the toothbrush all around my vagina, trying to get me to climax in the middle of the hallway," Heather related.
Doesn't sound like a bad place to work.
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