Paranormal

Enough with the zombies already: The ten dumbest undead media products on the market

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How to Speak Zombie: A Guide for the Living, by Steve Mockus and Travis Millard $15 As the title indicates, this is a book that purportedly teaches you how to speak the language of zombies. From the synopsis: "How to Speak Zombie demonstrates how to blend in and avoid being eaten while carrying on with everyday activities like ordering a latte from a zombarista and shopping at a zombie-infested mall." So not only is this book unbelievably nonessential, its completely misses the fucking point of zombies. Zombies do not speak language. They do not work as "zombaristas" or shop at malls. They are dead and they eat brains -- their non-comprehension is what makes them so sinister. When the zombie-pocalypse comes, I dare you to try to use this book. The Zombie Survival Guide Deck: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, by Max Brooks $9 For the truly zombie-obsessed, it's easy to see how creating a flash-card deck of zombie survival tips could be a fun thing to do and show to likewise zombie-obsessed friends. For those too lazy to do that shit themselves, Max Brooks has gone ahead and done the work for you, and now you, too, can have tips like the one that kid who looks and acts like Michael Cera developed in Zombieland, a movie that was only worth watching for Bill Murray's excellent cameo, by the way. At least this stays on point with tips that might actually come in handy (i.e. "once a chain saw runs out of fuel, it provides as much protection as a handheld stereo"), but they'll be wasted on the audience. Marvel Zombies $16 It didn't take long for Marvel to cash on on the zombie craze (see if you can guess the year Marvel published its first zombie series -- if you guessed 2005, good job!), and, as you might expect, the set-up was intensely stupid: "On an Earth shockingly similar to the Marvel Universe's, an alien virus has mutated all of the world's greatest super heroes into flesh-eating monsters!" Sweet Jesus! They're superheroes that are more or less exactly like regular Marvel superheroes, but this time they're zombies! Sounds like a real fucking gem, right? Marvel has cranked out several of these in the ensuing years, so it can't possibly be long before a movie version gets greenlit. Prepare yourself. Accoutrements Glow in The Dark Flesh Eating Zombies Play Set $11 If you're buying this Glow in The Dark Flesh Eating Zombies Play Set, one of two possible scenarios is in effect: Either, 1. you are buying it for yourself, which is weird, or 2. you are buying it for your children, which is... also weird. Then again, you might also be a teenager with a couple of dollars of disposable income looking to "Wreak havoc on your sister's precious diorama," as this effectively worthless product's tagline suggests, but even then, don't you have better things to do? That's Not Your Mommy Anymore: A Zombie Tale, by Matt Mogk and Aja Wells $5 For a another example of people's compulsive need to indoctrinate their children with their own weird interests, look no further than That's Not Your Mommy Anymore: "In the ongoing effort to warn an unprepared world of the rising danger from zombie attacks," the tagline promises, "one vulnerable group has been left out -- small children." Actually, we're guessing that group has been left out on purpose, because, to small children, the idea of zombies is fucking terrifying. But hey, if you're trying to get your kids to never sleep, then by all means, here's your bedtime story.
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Jef Otte
Contact: Jef Otte