Tomorrow, Rick Gold will host a traditional Fesitvus celebration at the Shag Lounge. There, you can commune around the Festivus pole, air some grievances and perform some feats of strength. There will also be a ($5 maximum) gift exchange. In honor of disillusionment everywhere, we present 10 more alternate celebrations from the week Jesus was (definitely wasn't) born.
10. Heat Miser Day - Turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees (Mother Nature loves this holiday). - Microwave whatever shitty garage sale gift your great aunt sent you. - Sing the song, obviously.
9. Grapefruit Day - Turns out, you can mail order fantastic grapefruits from Texas at this time of year. Do it. - Hold a a grapefruit slicing contest so you can laugh at your fruit-novice friends. - Throw away the grapefruits. Compared with other citrus, even a good one's pretty paltry.
8. Night Vision Night - More darkness this week than any other time of year. Turn off all the lights once the sun goes down. - Put on night vision goggles. - Play tag.
7. Hollywood Day Trip - Go to one of the many movies that get released Christmas week. - Sneak in a dozen mini-bottles of vodka. - Drink, cry, repeat.
6. Nutcracker's Eve - Get a bag of mixed nuts in shell and a geode. - Gather all your friends and have a contest to see who can crack the most nuts using only your bodies and a parking lot. Extra points for macadamias. Those fuckers put up a fight. - Winner gets to break open the geode with a chisel.
5. Old Year's Day - Before making promises for the New Year, you must explore your regrets from the Old Year. - Make a list of things you wish hadn't happened this year. - Post them to your blog.
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4. Relatvium - Gather your entire extended family in one place. - Put the younger generation in uncomfortable, oversized clothing. - Have the middle generation get a little drunk. - Everyone tell embarrassing stories about whoever brought a new girlfriend/boyfriend.
3. Football Fanatics Festival - Watch every single bowl game, every single NFL game and Texas's high school state championship. - When there isn't a game going on, talk about games you just saw or are about to see with everyone around you. - Do not wuss out right before New Year's Day. Get a Clockwork Orange style viewing chair if necessary.
2. Cell Phone Jam Session Day - Gather a bunch of people. Turn the key pad tones up as loud as possible on your cell phones. - Invent songs, drum circle style. - Watch as attractive, eligible singles flock to you.
1. Rocksplosion - Put a boulder weighing no less than 100 pounds in the center of your living room. - Decorate it with colorful graffiti and one (ONLY ONE) string of Christmas lights. That's plenty. - Play Led Zeppelin's IV and Meatloaf's Bat Outta Hell all day on repeat.