Tomorrow, Rick Gold will host a traditional Fesitvus celebration at the Shag Lounge. There, you can commune around the Festivus pole, air some grievances and perform some feats of strength. There will also be a ($5 maximum) gift exchange. In honor of disillusionment everywhere, we present 10 more alternate celebrations from the week Jesus was (definitely wasn't) born.
10. Heat Miser Day - Turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees (Mother Nature loves this holiday). - Microwave whatever shitty garage sale gift your great aunt sent you. - Sing the song, obviously.
9. Grapefruit Day - Turns out, you can mail order fantastic grapefruits from Texas at this time of year. Do it. - Hold a a grapefruit slicing contest so you can laugh at your fruit-novice friends. - Throw away the grapefruits. Compared with other citrus, even a good one's pretty paltry.
8. Night Vision Night - More darkness this week than any other time of year. Turn off all the lights once the sun goes down. - Put on night vision goggles. - Play tag.
7. Hollywood Day Trip - Go to one of the many movies that get released Christmas week. - Sneak in a dozen mini-bottles of vodka. - Drink, cry, repeat.
6. Nutcracker's Eve - Get a bag of mixed nuts in shell and a geode. - Gather all your friends and have a contest to see who can crack the most nuts using only your bodies and a parking lot. Extra points for macadamias. Those fuckers put up a fight. - Winner gets to break open the geode with a chisel.
5. Old Year's Day - Before making promises for the New Year, you must explore your regrets from the Old Year. - Make a list of things you wish hadn't happened this year. - Post them to your blog.
4. Relatvium - Gather your entire extended family in one place. - Put the younger generation in uncomfortable, oversized clothing. - Have the middle generation get a little drunk. - Everyone tell embarrassing stories about whoever brought a new girlfriend/boyfriend.
3. Football Fanatics Festival - Watch every single bowl game, every single NFL game and Texas's high school state championship. - When there isn't a game going on, talk about games you just saw or are about to see with everyone around you. - Do not wuss out right before New Year's Day. Get a Clockwork Orange style viewing chair if necessary.
2. Cell Phone Jam Session Day - Gather a bunch of people. Turn the key pad tones up as loud as possible on your cell phones. - Invent songs, drum circle style. - Watch as attractive, eligible singles flock to you.
1. Rocksplosion - Put a boulder weighing no less than 100 pounds in the center of your living room. - Decorate it with colorful graffiti and one (ONLY ONE) string of Christmas lights. That's plenty. - Play Led Zeppelin's IV and Meatloaf's Bat Outta Hell all day on repeat.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.