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Five reasons Denver needs an extraterrestrial commission

Yesterday, we learned the sad news: Denver Initiative 300, which would have created an official, government-approved commission to prepare our fair city for a visit from extraterrestrials, was soundly defeated, garnering hardly fifteen percent of the vote -- meaning hardly fifteen percent of the population has any sense of humor. It also shows a lack of foresight, because aside from the relatively low likelihood of an actual visit from beings from other lands, the commission could have some very important uses, from the political to the psychological. Here are five ways an extraterrestrial commission could have helped Denver.

Give Jeff Peckman something to do

Please let this guy stop

making rap videos

More sweet jumps

You might say that just because we have a commission doesn't mean the aliens are going to be any more likely to come here -- but you know what? It's nothing like that, penis breath.


Boulder

An extraterrestrial commission could keep busy studying pretty much everyone who comes down from there.


The paranoia

You ever seen a space alien, man? You ever seen a space alien...

on weed

? With the huge influx of medical marijuana in the last couple of years, Denver needs something to comfort it about the weird shit it gets paranoid about.


To counteract the influence of Tom Tancredo

Because we all know how that guy feels about aliens.

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