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Five things you must stop posting on Facebook

I generally love Facebook. I spend hours a day keeping up with friendly gossip, laughing at George Takei's often-reposted memes involving vegetables, reading filthy jokes, swapping recipes for tempura broccoli fritters and watching posted vid clips of guys getting thwacked in the balls with various lawn ornaments. But then there is the torrid underbelly of Facebook -- the blocks of religious motivational posters, photos of bad tattoos, inappropriate 'shopped pics of President Obama's head atop a stripper's body, and endless proof that over half the people who graduated high school with you cannot spell. Yes, with Facebook and every other damn social media site you have to take the rough with the smooth, but there are days when a little more smooth -- and a little less of the reposted picture of the egg in the avocado -- would be nice.

Here are the five things I hate seeing people post on Facebook. Feel free to repost this list...on Facebook.

See also: - There's a Facebook inside my Facebook's Facebook - Unfriending on Facebook often kills actual friendships, study shows - My fake Facebook engagement to a gay guy

5. Vague, passive-aggressive musings with "no intended recipient(s)" We've all seen this -- somebody in your feed posts something like: "And you can go suck a #$%^& into your %^&* and then *&^% your mother's #$%^& until she %$#^ in your #$*&^ you worthless, lice-ridden, foul-breathed, shit-stained bag of *&^%$!!!!!" That somebody is really, really mad, and making sure everyone knows it....except when you have the temerity to type in and ask whoduhell they are talking about, it's always, "Oh, nobody in particular." Even more annoying than this is the whimsical, poetic post that goes: "Like a bird falling from a tree, I understand that you don't love me," usually followed by a sad emoticon. And when you go to offer digital comfort or pixel-pats, you get this: "I don't want to talk about it."

Look, if you don't want to talk about something, don't want people to try and make you feel better or don't want anyone to empathize with your situation, then don't start the process by blurting out nebulous keyboard musings on Facebook.

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4. Game invites I get it: Candy Crush Saga is neato and fun, you discovered it ten days ago, and since that day you have not bathed, eaten a hot meal at a table, or worn anything but jammie-jams because you simply must align those colors! But here's the deal, sweeties: There are something like 45 million other people who are trying their damnest to get the first score star, who are equally as diligent about not showering or going outdoors, and every single fucking one of them has sent me an invite to play with them since this time-sucking, virtual sugar vortex began.

I do not want to play Candy Crush Saga now, or ever. I also don't want to play any incarnation of FarmVille, Angry Birds or anything Zynga and Facebook are trying to shove into my consciousness -- and wallet -- via you and your ilk. In case I wasn't clear enough, all of you who play Candy Crush can kiss my Holiday Nuts, take Mr. Toffee and plan a permanent vacation to the Fudge Islands.

3. Photos of every single thing your kids/pets do every day It's bad enough that my feed is constantly clogged with every single person's photos of their newborns, puppies and kittens (and the occasional nest of baby albino corn snakes) like they are the first people in the known universe to ever breed/adopt/witness the miracle of life, but the folks who treat every day on Facebook as a freakish farm of photo galleries starring your kids and critters need to either run out of camera batteries or do some serious life-diversification. Don't get me wrong -- I like puppehs, kittehs and some baybehs, but when my feed looks like a nursery or an ad for a local pet shelter, it's time you moved on to the wild world of Caring About Other Things, and please believe me when I say that everyone else who sees your posts will understand that you still love your kids and pets thiiiiiiiis much if you don't upload 35 photos a day of them eating, sleeping and sitting there not doing anything remotely interesting. 2. Dramatic unfriendings Gone are the days when das-booting some jackass or ex off your Facebook page was done all quiet and dirty, behind the scenes. Now it's a several-announcement process, usually involving pre-, during and post-paragraphs, the last of which are about how lucky the remaining friends should feel that they made the cut. Yea! I get to feel better about myself because you have decided you still have some use for me, be it for bail money, venting or ego strokes.

If you are going to remove someone from your friends list, just do it already, and skip the ominous and self-created fanfare, because this self-absorbed stunting is just as bad, if not worse, than the guy who keeps threatening to leave...try to stop me--try to stop me! I can assure you that I won't...in either case.

1. Break up, then make up, then break up, then... I am never again typing any message of public support for anyone on Facebook when they change their statuses from "Married" or "In a Relationship" to anything else, because it seems like every time I try to lend someone the slightest bit of virtual support for a break up, the breaker-uppers are back together in a matter of days. Back in the days before social media sites, it was usually honest but still in poor taste to tell someone who just moved to Splitsville that you couldn't stand their ex, never liked them and wished they would stab themselves twenty times in the face with a fish fork. It never fails; the day after you spill this, the couple gets back together, and there is some weird vibe forever. With your Facebook acquaintances, it's now out there in cyberspace for all eternity -- and everyone saw it, the no-longer-ex remembers it, and you feel like a big, dirty ass.

I know that asking people who are in and out of the same relationships over and over-- to the point that "It's Complicated" doesn't even begin to sniff out the monstrous pile of fucked-up relationship shit -- to just deal with their private lives off-screen is impossible. But could they at least stay away from the relationship status buttons until the smokes clears and the cops have gone?

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