4

Furry field guide: An illustrated handbook for spotting woodland creatures in their habitat

It's a well known fact that animals are people, too, which is why Morrissey doesn't eat them. Less well known is that some animals are

actually

people, a rare and fascinating sub-genus of

sapiens sapiens

known as Furries, which work, play, hunt and mate unseen among the less heteroclite members of their order. In an ongoing effort to observe and categorize these woodland creatures into several distinct phyla, we sent a crack team of

Westword

scientists into the field to observe them in their natural habitat: a

furry convention

. These are their results.

More photos: Rocky Mountain Fur Con (60 Photos)
Similar to the panthera tigris altaica, the white furry cat uses its pristine coat to blend in with its siberian environs -- and as such is often mistaken for its near-twin. What sets the Furry cat apart, however, is its characteristic locomotive "herping" and "derping," seen here. The Asian character markings on this otherwise ordinary canidae betray him as a near-perfect specimen of a much rarer phylum: the douche-fox, known for his exceptional skill at exonerated date-rape. Though this particularly beautiful example of the Arizonan Basset Rabbit indeed appears to be way hot, do not let her fool you: She acts like she's going to yiff you, but that's just how she draws in her prey. Much like the breeding combination of a horse and a donkey produces the sterile mule, the mating of the anteater and the pajama bear has been known to result in the comparatively rare offspring Whenthisfucksthisapiens. Within this community of furries lurks an impostor: the mustached ailuropoda, which disguises itself as a furry as protection from its predator, which is also its mother. Another unusual mating ritual, this one even less common. As you can see, though he goes along willingly, this canis lupus appears alarmed. The observed becomes the observer: as this sapiens attempts to escape the Furry hoard, the panthera raverus looks on, possibly admiring his sick moves. Weird and wonderful creatures as they are, many furries are sadly inflicted by the disease from which this one suffers. Though its cause is unknown to scientists, its symptoms include the growth of a bizarre neon fungus, vomiting, social isolation and chronically living in the basements of parents everywhere.

Follow us on Twitter!

Like us on Facebook!

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

Newsletters

All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories
    Send: