Happy birthday, Heidi Montag: Your life sucks

It's been a weird week for Colorado's favorite prodigal daughter. On Saturday, in possibly the most depressing reconciliation ever to take place, Heidi Montag made up with until-recently estranged husband Spencer Pratt after -- get this -- the two were detained for twelve hours by Costa Rican authorities after two unloaded handguns were found in their luggage. Today, on her 24th birthday, Montag is making headlines again -- this time because her enormous boob popped out of her bikini. Well, happy birthday, then.

"It was clear we're soulmates. I don't see any reason we can't get back on track," Pratt told the Associated Press yesterday, referring to the detention incident. Because apparently when you're the world's biggest twit and you accidentally try to take a gun onto a plane in a foreign country, that's when your wife becomes, uh, not angry at you...I guess. The guns had not been declared, and the pair had no permits to carry them in Costa Rica.

There was also Pratt's threatening to sell a sex tape of her against her wishes. And his plan to write a tell-all book on their relationship. And his general assholery. And also that his head looks like a melon with a face drawn on it (then again, her tits look about the same, minus the face). But whatever. They're soulmates and stuff.

For Montag, it would seem the cognitive dissonance is mounting. Like, for example, in this tweet from last week:

taking a hot bath to relax my jaw muscles. They are lock up and it is hard to talk. I have been too tense

Yes they are, Heidi. They are lock up. It's no wonder you've been so tense, with all this relationship drama. Maybe you could use a massage:

Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft.

Ladies, take note: If you have filled your breasts with five gallons of saline, don't neglect to massage them, lest they take on the firmness of the volleyballs they resemble. And speaking of huge breasts, that's just another on the list of Montag's increasingly bizarre problems. Here's the snarky cutline TMZ ran with the photo it snagged of her trying to cram one of those things back in the old bikini: "Heidi Montag struggled to contain herself in Costa Rica last week -- when the reality star's bikini top happened to collapse under the pressure of a G-cup-sized breast...right in front of the cameras."

But perhaps things are looking up for the embattled star. At least it would seem that way, if this very excited tweet from yesterday is any indication:

Just found Petflow.com, they deliver pet food right to my door for free! No more lugging heavy bags!

Well, it is nice not to have to carry pet food -- but until she can find a new plastic surgeon, we predict she'll be lugging around the heavy bags for a while.

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Jef Otte
Contact: Jef Otte