How not to get picked for CBS Big Brother reality show

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CBS descended on Denver on Saturday to hold an open casting call for anyone interested in possibly being picked as a contestant on the upcoming season of Big Brother. While I detest reality television in every way, I took it upon myself to go down and try out. What I discovered is how not to get a call back.

The line wrapped outside of Rock Bottom restaurant on the Sixteenth Street Mall where about thirty people were eagerly waiting to brag about why they would be the best on the show. Instantly, the outgoing, future cell phone salesmen and saleswomen of America were talking about what they did for a living (funny how most were unemployed), what they planned on doing with their lives, and why they thought they should be on the show. This is long before you actually get to the interview process.

I stood in line next to a guy named Paul who just recently moved to Colorado from Chicago. He is currently seeking out improv/comedy classes, and probably had the most outgoing attitude of everyone. Throughout the half-hour wait, he managed to wrangle some answers out of me, most of which were lies (hello, this is a competition).

Since this was a Saturday afternoon, my lingering hangover from the night before was still going strong. I grabbed the form to fill out my information for the interviewers, which consisted of simple name/age/marriage status/address/etc...and the whopper question we were all waiting for: "Why would you be a great contestant on this show?"

Here is my form:

I'll sum up for you what I wrote in case you can't read the important stuff:

Children: Yes_______ Not that I know of Why would you be a great contestant on this show? DJ Khaled has a great quote: "All I do is win, win, win no matter what." I feel like that is a good mantra to live by. Plus, I am a cutthroat urban pirate! And, I once wrestled a polar bear. Ok, not really, but I would given the opportunity.

When they inquired as to how I wrestled a polar bear, I responded, "Continue reading..." and then we all had a laugh. In the actual interview, they pulled three of us in at a time and asked us generic questions about the show. Since I have never actually watched a single episode of Big Brother, I was at a loss.

I thought this would play to my advantage, but alas, I have not received a call-back. The two female interviewers may not have been impressed with my five-line resume of badass-ness explaining why I would dominate any situation CBS would throw at me, or they would rather have sexy girls to accompany C+ marketing degree holding meat heads in their pursuit of a failed acting career. Either way, I'll never watch the show, and now thankfully, my friends won't have to, either.

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