Every day Westword receptionist Steve Burge gives you the fashionable view from the front desk.
Poor Drew. Like many of us, Mr. Bixby, our “Drunk of the Week” writer, has not yet adjusted to Daylight Saving Time. Here we see him sleeping under his desk, another victim of what I consider to be a ridiculous annual occurrence.
Did you know that Arizona just pretends Daylight Saving Time doesn’t happen? Yeah. To me, that seems ridiculous. I mean, how does an entire state just say, "Suck it, conventions of Daylight Saving Time! We won't adhere to you. We'll just make up our own rules. In fact, we won’t even commit to a time zone. How ‘bout that? Why should people in the rest of the world know when it is 'too late' to call here, anyway? It's no one else's business but our own. So there, rest of the world!”
Realistically speaking, if Arizona does not adhere to the conventions of Daylight Saving Time the way the rest of us do, then how much of an hourly difference from us are they actually experiencing? Fundamentally speaking, I mean. Seriously. How has this refusal to adhere affected them? Indeed, how has it affected the space/time continuum in general? Hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years turn into decades, etc. right? So by screwing with one hour a year... no, wait... two hours a year if they neither "Spring ahead" nor "Fall back..." since the beginning of time (or at least, Daylight Saving Time) they very well may be operating in an entirely different year right now. Arizona might literally be the future of America.
And speaking of years… Leap Year is another weirdo-o thing about our calendar, isn’t it? Are we really allowed to say, “Oops. Our calendar is weird. We must’ve counted wrong. I have an idea. Let’s just add an extra day every fourth year. Problem solved.”
Did you know that the Mayans created a calendar that did not require a leap year? I read that somewhere. I also read that the Mayan calendar ends at the year 2012, and you know what? That brings me to another point. If, in fact, the Mayans’ prediction that the world will end in the year 2012 according to their calendar is correct, how long do we have left? Should we be scared that their calendar ends at 2012? I think so. Because the Mayans predicted lots of stuff that came to be. What if we only have two weeks to live? I, for one, would quit my job if that’s the case. We don’t know, though. We have no idea what time it really is, do we?
Especially if you consider Arizona.
You know what? Fine. If those people can just make up their own timetable, then I can, too.
From this day forward, I refuse to be held accountable for my arrival and departure times. No matter what time I roll into work in the mornings, I'm going to call it 8 a.m. When I'm ready to leave, I'm going call it 5 p.m. Maybe even 6 p.m. so I can get a little overtime. And if someone has a problem with it, I will refer them to the people of Arizona, whoever made up the "Leap Yea," and any descendents of the Mayan people that I can find. Obviously, no one is on the same page anyway, right? Right.
But that’s not the point. The point is, Drew is asleep under his desk. (He’s such an angel when he’s sleeping, isn’t he?) And I call this look “The Unfortunate Side Effects of Daylight Saving Time.” Surely, there must be many people sporting this latest trend.
Now if you’ll excuse, I’m going to wake Drew up, take him to a bar, demand $2 top-shelf vodka and call it Happy Hour. I defy someone to challenge me.
- Steven J. Burge