Nerdist's Erotic Fan Fiction leaves Denver filthy with laughter

Typically found at L.A.'s Nerdist Theater, the Erotic Fan Fiction competition made itself at home at the Bug Theatre last night, dirtying the minds of a roomful of comedy fans with its unsettlingly hilarious mix of pop culture and hardcore pornography. Troy Walker earned himself the top ranking in the first round with his lickably linguistic take on The Raven, while Chris Charpentier cleaned up in the final round with his previously unimaginable vision of an erotic Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Kristin Rand dipped into the boyish orgies of The Sandlot, Jim Hickox talked of a dioynisan Saved by the Bell, and Jordan Doll somehow made Game of Thrones even weirder and sexier.

And then we all went home separately and silently to take a long shower and attempt to get those images out of our minds.

See also: - Ron White on gay marriage, marijuana and opening acts -- including Josh Blue - Comedy review: Chris Hardwick gets cozy in Kigurumi pajamas at Comedy Works - Anthony Jeselnik celebrates baby-death, bulimia and domestic violence at DU

Warning: From here on, the subject matter gives a new meaning to the adjective "adult."

Taking on duties as emcee, Bryan Cook had a larger than average job opening up the show. No comic likes to perform first, but it's even more difficult warming up a group of strangers (in more than one way) to the idea of imagining their childhood icons engaged in freakishly humorous box-rocking. Thankfully, he kept the first story modern, reimagining the Showtime series Girls -- and, judging by the response, there were more than a few fans in the crowd.

Round one of the competition was all previously written material by one set of comics, while the round two comics had little over an hour to compose their story on a subject chosen by the audience. Jordan Doll arrived with his bestial take on Game of Thrones ready to go for round one, providing some of the most vivid imagery of the night.

"At the front of the room King Baratheon sat on an iron throne, constructed of the smelted-down dicks of those who had stood against him," he read with sophisticated flair. "He was a legendarily gross king, his head looked like someone had glued a beard to a butt and taught it to drink and shout." (We'll save you from the horrors of reptilian vaginas and severed heads tumbling out of anuses that follow.)

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Troy Walker's racy Raven was impressive in its ability to follow the style and timing of Edgar Allan Poe's verse, while at the same time frightening the audience in a considerably more biological way than the original.

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December; And my turgid engorged member I had rubbed till it was sore. Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow; From these sluts surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore. For the rank and raunchy maiden whom the angels name Lenore. Who wouldn't fuck me anymore . . . Back I sat and returned to dreaming once again of Lenore's gleaming, greasy, fat ass made for reaming bouncing, banging on my dick harder than it ever had before. That was always what she was good at, nice girl that could be a hoodrat Smiling as she placed her feet back behind her head so I could deeper bore. Just what I needed to release the demons from my bosoms core Quoth the raven "nevermore."

Andrew Orvedahl had little trouble winning the crowd over with his assigned topic of The Labyrinth. He already had an elf voice on hand from previous standup routines, and describing an explosion from David Bowie's "glittery spandex" as popping open "like a tube of biscuits" was an easy sell for the number of pop-geeks in the audience. Reveling in Jesse Spanno's diet pill addiction, or Tiffani Amber Thiessen's chubby-faced later years, Jim Hickox's erotic Saved by the Bell was as dizzying as it was "fans only."

Chris Charpentier prepped his audience before he began reading, advising,"If you brought a condom, put it on now." For having never seen the movie, he did an impressive job setting the scene of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (or perhaps that film is so fucking visceral that its images are forever seared into my brain and are easy to recall):

"This was not Ted's first time around the block. He had had blood and cum in his eyes a bunch of times. The sting and the sensory depravation of Leatherface screaming in the background began to make Ted aroused.... Leatherface ripped off Ted's pants using a meathook, tearing his legs from hips to shins. The scream Ted let out was not of horror, but of ecstasy."

For more comedy commentary, follow me on Twitter at @JosiahMHesse.

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