Next week's South Park pits Colorado against New Jersey: Who would win?

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It was only a matter of time before South Park took on The Jersey Shore -- actually, it's pretty surprising it didn't come sooner. Featuring a real-life cast of possibly the most vapid, melodramatic, self-aggrandizing assholes on earth (they're sweet in their own dumb way, too -- we get it), there's perhaps never been a pop-culture phenomenon more worth skewering by everyone's favorite Colorado-based cartoon skewer. Next week, that's what happens in the semi-fictional town of South Park, which faces an annexation into "West New Jersey" when the Garden State launches a takeover of the nation. In the meantime, since we spend most of our time debating whether Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal would win in a karate match anyway, here's our prognosis on who emerges the victor.

To make the determination, we'll split the fight into four main categories: "scenery," "attractions," "scrappiness" and "cultural exports." These categories are completely arbitrary, but they're the first ones we thought up, so let's go with it.

Scenery The photo above is the New Jersey turnpike. Colorado, on the other hand, has mountains, all sorts of flora and fauna, the expansive plains and plenty of little tiny chipmunks that eat right out of your hand, like these little guys: It's pretty clear Colorado wins this one.
Attractions Look! What a charming scene of desperate nostalgia and decaying infrastructure. Oh, wait. That's depressing.

Let's weigh this one out: Pristine mountain vistas with some of the best skiing and snowboarding in the world (not to mention some of the best hiking, climbing and kayaking during the summer), or a shitty ferris wheel operated by a carny with a shriveled hand?

In your face, New Jersey.
Scrappiness There have been some pretty scrappy folks to come out of Colorado: consider Pam Grier, for example, who graduated from East High School, or Tom Tancredo, who was so relentless in his insane quest against illegal immigrants that Karl Rove himself once told Tancredo never to "darken the door" of the whitehouse again. Now that's scrappy. On the other hand, Snookie. We've got to hand it to her: That broad can scrap. We'll give this one to New Jersey.
Cultural exports We gave the world South Park. New Jersey gave the world The Jersey Shore.

We rest our case.

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