NFL free agency rumors you won't find anywhere else

If the NFL lockout bored you, never fear. The perfect antidote is here: a free agency fury as teams sign, cut and trade players madly to adjust their rosters in time for the season. What would usually take months will be condensed into about a week, so players have time to practice before the first preseason games Aug. 11.

Unlike the big stars of NFL reporting -- Adam Schefter, John Clayton (check out his sweet background), Chris Mortensen, Jason LaCanfora, all the rest -- we don't exactly have access to insider sources. So here's the scoop you won't find anywhere else: news, views and rumors that came to me in a dream last night.

Breaking Trade: The Redskins have traded DT Albert Haynesworth to the Patriots for a fifth-round pick and a 30-second peek at the playbook of HC Bill Belichick.

Report: Broncos considering trade options for QB Kyle Orton, with Dolphins in the lead. Orton said to have grown 4 inches and become fluent in three new languages during the offseason.

Browns will release CB Coye Francies.

Rumor: The crown jewel of the offseason, dominant CB Nnamdi Asomugha, has offers from the Jets, Texans and 49ers. We'll watch closely for signs of a front-runner.

Rumor: The Chargers will not pursue former WR Malcom Floyd because he "runs kind of weird. He runs all, I don't know, weird," sources say.

Browns sign free agent WR Plaxico Burress. Then release him.

Report: CB Asomugha tunes in to an episode of Law & Order, which is set in New York City. Jets now the favorites.

Browns will release S Mike Adams, K Phil Dawson, DE Marcus Benard, TE Ben Watson and TE Evan Moore.

Breaking: Broncos considering trading QB Orton, who reportedly has acquired some low-level psychic powers and can command most non-mammals with his mind.

Breaking: Rumor: Free agent CB Asomugha, choosing among Jets, Texans and 49ers, has ordered the barbecue pulled pork sandwich at a nearby street cart. Texans now in the lead.

Browns will release S Ray Ventrone, P Reggie Hodges, DE Brian Schaefering, WR Brian Robiskie, LBs Chris Gocong and D'Qwell Jackson, QB Seneca Wallace and "everyone else who isn't a Virgo or a Sagittarius," President Mike Holmgren announced. "The Browns will succeed when the stars will it so."

Free agent WR Braylon Edwards has announced he'll sign with whichever team makes him the best waffles in the morning. Raiders owner Al Davis boasts he'll sign Edwards, dropping hints at a "secret ingredient" while indicating the skin flaking off his scalp.

This just in: CB Asomugha eating an apple. A big one?? Interesting.

Rumor: Sources are speculating that Broncos QB Kyle Orton may be a hedgehog. Stay tuned...

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