Arts and Culture

Now that Boulder scientists have parted the Red Sea, here are ten other topics they should tackle

Have you heard the Biblical news? Using satellites, supercomputers and what looks like graphics stolen from World of Warcraft, Boulder researcher at the National Center for Atmospheric Research and the University of Colorado have digitally recreated how Moses may have parted the Red Sea.

This is big news, capable of changing our everyday lives and well worth however millions in tax dollars were thrown at the assignment. Now, with that problem out of the way, here are ten other really relevant scientific subjects they should tackle pronto:

  • Safeguarding us all from the long-deadly twister alley that exists between Kansas and Oz, aka "The Great Prairie Widow Maker."
  • Calculating how, exactly, Balloon Boy was able to fly all the way from Fort Collins to DIA. Oh, wait...
  • Answering that age-old question: Who wins in a fight -- mega shark or giant octopus?
  • Determining which "Finger of God" is the legendary F5 tornado from Twister. We always assumed it was the middle one...
  • Figuring out, once and for all, what is the deal with airplane food.
  • Investigating why Ghost Hunters continues to be a popular show, when they've never actually caught any ghosts.
  • Proving why you have to go exactly 88 miles per hour to activate a flux capacitor to travel though time.
  • Revealing how the NES Zapper gun worked. Seriously, that thing just doesn't make any sense.
  • Explaining what the smoke monster was, and what was up with the Dharma Initiative, and why was the island underwater in the sideways timeline and what was the point of the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16.... oh, fuck it. Just kill us now.
  • One word: hoverboards.
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    Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.
    Contact: Joel Warner