Oscars 2011: Live-blogging the self-congratulatory golden phallus ceremonies

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There are a lot of things more important than watching and liveblogging the 2011 Academy Awards - but none of them are things we have to do today. Look for our recap after the show!

There you have it. The King's Speech walks away the big story for the night, as it pulled off winning in the categories that didn't necessarily have a clear winner. It's a big day for Britain and a big day for gay British porn, and if you've noticed that the main location in The King's Speech is a location in which a variety of British porn has been shot, you'll know it makes the film an entirely new experience.

Cue the cute kids in the neon shirts to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," and a thousand relieved sighs from stars that can run off to a variety of fancy parties and get really, really drunk (that's what I'm doing, just less at-a-fancy-party and more alone-in-an-alley).Hope you all did well in your Oscar pools, and I hope you had fun watching along with us. I'm Tim Davids, you can find me on twitter at @2509. Good night.

9:36 p.m. Best Picture 2011 goes to The King's Speech. Hey, my grandma loved that movie, so there you go.

9:31 p.m. Here we go. Looks like King's Speech given the momentum built up over the past few awards. The Fighter still has a chance. What do you think? Does someone pull off an upset? The Social Network still has real cultural implications. Nolan needs an Oscar for Inception! Maybe they give it to Inglorious Basterds to make up for last year. I'd appreciate that.

9:28 p.m. Somewhere backstage, Portman mutters "perfect," and dies of a self-inflicted stab wound.

9:25 p.m. The award goes to Colin Firth, who was born to win acting awards and prance about in a wet shirt. I accidentally typed Colin Farrell, who was not nominated this year, and is in fact accepting an award somewhere for excellence in drunken sex tapes. He should stammer a bit in his speech to bring it home.

9:24 p.m. My pick is Franco only because Portman won, and I'd like to have it be the year of 2 hours of hysteria.

9:21 p.m. Sandra Bullock handing out Best Actor. Javier's clip is him crying. Rooster Cogburn don't cry. But his face is wet from the manly rain that falls on his manly drunk face. Zuckerberg spouts dialogue so beautiful I cry. Colin Firth is crying AND stammering, so I'm pretty sure he's gonna win. Franco just cries and stands there. Not as impressive at all.

9:18 p.m. Portman getting choked up and emotional. Hope her water doesn't break.

9:17 p.m. Do you think Mila Kunis is kinda turned on right now?

9:16 p.m. It's gonna be Portman, right? It can't not be, it's too much of a story. Then again I'm sure they could spin Michelle William's win into a nice come-back from personal tragedy piece. The award goes to Natalie Portman. Let's see if she snorts again.

9:15 pm Called it! Portman cries! Williams, however, does not.

9:14 p.m. Bening's clip features her crying. Kidman's clip features her crying. Jennifer Lawrence is so beat up she should be crying. I guess she's pretty teary eyed there. Kinda as much as she gets in Winter's Bone. Portman is so gonna be crying.

9:11 p.m. Here comes Clu/Rooster/The Dude to hand out the award for Best Actress.

9:07 p.m. Love me some Wallach. George Lucas just got paid again. That makes three times. Brownlow, Coppola, Goddard. They could've gotten Lifetime achievement awards 20 years ago and it would've been justified.

9:06 p.m. I would like Annette Bening more if she were a rapper. Just sayin'.

9:05 p.m. I spoke too soon. That story about his mum was cute.

9:04 p.m. The director of The King's Speech doesn't make an especially entertaining speech.

9:03 p.m. Coens or Fincher! TOM HOOPER? No way! Tom Hooper is the Arcade Fire of the Academy Awards as he wins Best Director.

9:02 p.m. Bigelow power. She's so tall! She looks like Hilary Swank's babysitter!

9:00 p.m. They straightened Hathaway's hair so fast!

8:56 p.m. See, Academy? Next time use Lena Horne. And don't put her within two minutes of Celine Dion.

8:53 p.m. Miss you, Sally Menke. You guys ever notice that when you add Celine Dion to anything it makes it feel automatically crass?

8:52 p.m. OH GOD NO

8:48 p.m. Randy Newman for next year's Oscar host!

8:47 p.m. I'll bet "Randy Newman Chicken" is delicious and consistent.

8:46 p.m. Best Original Song goes to Randy Newman. Told ya.

8:44 p.m. This performance is as boring as 127 Hours was. Let Hudson sing. Oh wait, nevermind, Gwyneth Paltrow is just as good! In other words, this moment proves Andy Kaufman is still alive and fucking with us.

8:43 p.m. So does Jennifer Hudson get paid half her old fees now? I assumed most of her old fees were paid to her in cake.

8:36 p.m. Editing. Please, not 127 Hours. The editing is the worst part of that little piece of just-above-mediocrity. I'm pulling for Scott Pilgrim. Oh wait, again, not nominated. Therefore my pick is Black Swan. The Social Network takes it home. I have no complaints. The editors hug it out on-stage. I wonder if Marky Mark gets a quarter for them saying that on TV.

8:34 p.m. Achievement in FX. Remember when this used to be nerdy guys who made models and painted matte painting and built giant models. Go Inception, go. Iron Man 2 is one of those movies that's revolutionary, but looks terrible to a normal person that don't know it is. Inception wins! There's still a little bit of a commitment to doing as much physical and in-camera as possible, and I applaud the Academy for recognizing that.

8:30 p.m. Bob Hope just introduced Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. RDJ is doing the bored smug thing. I didn't know he could do that!

8:29 p.m. I'm twenty five, I just know Bob Hope as a guy who has a street named after him. Now I know him as a ghost hologram.

8:27 p.m. Billy Crystal is only mostly dead.

8:22 p.m. DOWNER. Let's switch over to Rock of Love.

8:20 p.m. Oprah is here to announce the best documentary. She also now owns the Oscars. Restrepo was astounding, but I'm pullin' for Banksy. Go all the hip way, Oscars! And the winner is Inside Job, about the financial crisis that Oprah knows nothing about. She's gonna tell everyone to look under their seats now - she's taking everyone to Africa!

8:18 pm Autotune. That is all.

8:16 p.m. Now best live action short film. I have a friend that really loved God of Love. Love love loved love. It won. He has good taste. I like that Justin Guarini finally found a career post-Idol.

8:14 p.m. DFS played the short documentary films. I didn't go. I should be caned by real film fans. I want Strangers No More, 'cause little kids are cute. But "Quigang" is hard to pronounce, which makes me sound smart. Strangers No More! I win! The director almost fell down on the way to the stage.

8:12 p.m. George Lucas just got another hundred bucks.

8:07 p.m. . . . a commercial break.

8:05 p.m. . . . Alan Menken, Chuck, the girl from Scrubs? Singing a karaoke version of A Whole New World?

8:03 p.m. . . . Randy Newman! Doin' the thing he does. He's been nominated so often that I'm starting to believe all songs in movies are written by Randy Newman. He'll win.

8:02 p.m. Kevin Spacey is a jokester! Here's Best Original song, as sung by . . .

7:58 p.m. Makeup, costume, and art design counts when it's CGI as opposed to anything physical? Apparently, as Alice in Wonderland wins again, this time for costume design, which was mostly green bodysuits. Another missed camera cue. Her terrible see-through gloves should disqualify her. Why aren't these awards part of the technical ceremony? Why don't stuntmen have a category yet? Why does My Heart Will Go On exist?

7:57 p.m. Excellence in makeup. Rick Baker grabs another Oscar. The seventh is the charm and it's for a movie that has, well, really no makeup. But he's Rick Baker. If there's a muppet awards you give 'em all to Jim Henson, dead or alive, and no one would complain. So it goes with the ponytailed one.

7:55 p.m. The one ring to rule them all is encircling Cate Blanchett's chest. She should sell ad space there.

7:54 p.m. The technical awards, aka the awards for the ugly geeky people. They look the part.

7:48 p.m. Sound editing. I want Unstoppable just so they can put "Oscar-nominated" on the Blu-ray cover of a fairly forgettable Tony Scott picture. The award goes to Inception, and again, it deserves it, but again, how that specific film can get mixing and editing but not score seems like a film winning best lighting and composition (not real categories) without winning the award for cinematography.

7:48 p.m. Sound mixing. My choice? Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Oops, it wasn't nominated. Inception deserves this award, though. The sound design and music are so linked in it, though - it's amazing it can win this award and not original score.

7:45 p.m. Matt and Scarlett looks like they were just smokin' one of his doobies backstage.

7:44 p.m. For best original score, it's Inception and The Social Network that use their scores most effectively. I couldn't even remember 127 Hours having a score. Let's hope for Inception. BOOM BOOM. BOOM BOOM. And the award goes to Reznor/Ross! People with bright red dreadlocks and industrial goggles around the world are either really happy or really mad.

7:42 p.m. John Williams is prolific.

7:40 p.m. George Lucas just made a thousand dollars.

7:38 p.m. These presenters aren't pretty or famous.

7:34 p.m. Two awards so far for The Fighter. If it wins best picture with this kinda competition will it be compared to Rocky's win over All the President's Men, Network, and Taxi Driver?

7:33 p.m. Now it's time for Best Supporting Actor. Everyone seems to think it's gonna be Batman. I'd be fine with him winning considering he actually jokes and smiles in this movie. John Hawkes would be my personal choice. He's one of those character actors you know is insanely talented, but no one ever knows his name. He's a "that guy." Renner, Rush and Ruffalo are workhorses. Oscar-caliber performances are firmly in their wheelhouses, like the Coens and True Grit. That's not a slight, I'm just sayin' them winnin' ain't exactly flashy. And the award for best beard goes to Christian Bale. Maybe he'll stop getting creepy skinny for his parts now that he has this kinda validation. His beard is red. Wonder if the carpet matches the drapes? Do a comedy, Bale!

7:28 p.m. Her English is way better than my Danish. You can tell she's foreign because she's the first person to congratulate and thank the other nominees.

7:26 p.m. Americans see best foreign language film AFTER it wins the Oscar. Then we only have to sit through one movie with subtitles and no farting robots. My pick is Dogtooth, because it's the only one I've seen. The award goes to Denmark's In a Better World. I assume it's about Euros, because that is all I know about that is also European.

7:25 p.m. I like that they referenced the Roosevelt and then had Franco dress up like Marilyn.

7:24 p.m. I feel like everyone at the Oscars likes Hugh Jackson a lot more than mainstream America does.

7:23 p.m. Anne Hathaway seems to be doing a lot more than James Franco. He's pry working on his homework backstage.

7:20 p.m. Promoting that Russell Brand is going to come out soon is the perfect way to get me to turn the channel over to Animal Planet, guys. Is he our generation's Carrot Top? How about Yahoo Serious? I'm gonna call him our Yahoo Serious.

7:19 p.m. Best original screenplay. How is The Fighter not in the adapted category? Same with King's Speech. It's gotta be Inception. Give Nolan his Oscar! He needs one this year, and it should've been for directing. And the award goes to The King's Speech. That's not especially surprising, The King's Speech is genetically engineered to be Oscar-bait. It's like Jude Law in Gattaca. Wrap it up, man. No one wants writers to speak this long, you're not nearly as pretty as Christian Bale.

7:15 p.m. Best adapted screenplay. Aaron Sorkin, if there's justice in the world. Winter's Bone's screenplay isn't necessarily its strong suit. And the award goes to Aaron Sorkin. Let's see if he gives his speech while walking briskly down a hallway.

7:14 p.m. Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin are actually 13 year olds that made a wish to be big on a Zoltar machine.

7:12 p.m. Marilyn Monroe haunts the Roosevelt Hotel. I saw it.

7:07 p.m. Best Animated feature. Still haven't seen The Illusionist. Oh yay, they're showing the racist part of Toy Story 3. Go How to Train your Dragon! And the award goes to Toy Story 3. How. Surprising. It makes sense, the first two movies won and Toy Story 3 is essentially a recap of an effective and moving montage from the second. Maybe in a few years they'll make an Up sequel that'll be a feature length version of the first ten minutes of Up, And it'll win an Oscar too. At least that means it won't win best picture - not that it would anyway.

7:04 p.m. Like most people, I've only seen Day and Night. And the award for best animated short goes to The Lost Thing. I'm glad they described what the film is about. The tall one really wants the little one to stop talking.

7:02 p.m. I think they missed a cue there. That makes two I've noticed so far.

7:01 p.m. Anne Hathaway loves her own jokes.

7:00 p.m. Way to make your son feel guilty, Melissa Leo. Apparently she was so good in The Fighter because she's not that different from the character.

6:58 p.m. I wonder if David O'Russell ever called Melissa Leo a c-word on the set of The Fighter.

6:56 p.m. Best Supporting Actress. Maybe if Helena Bonham Carter wins Tim Burton will smile. Go Hailee! She's amazing in True Grit and if she loses to anyone other than Melissa Leo she'll be full-on robbed, even if she's too young to know who Kirk Douglas is. The teenager is freaking out, Douglas! Say the name! She has school in the morning! And the award goes to Melissa Leo. Oh well, Steinfeld has a whole career ahead of her to win and win and win and win.

6:51 Standing ovation for Kirk Douglas, and it seems like a joke, but damn is he spry for his age/condition. He's a fan of Anne Hathaway's nudity. Kirk Douglas and I have a lot in common. He's pimpin', pimpin'.

6:46 p.m. Cinematography. My pick - Matty Libatique. My hope? Roger Deakins. And the award goes to Wally Pfister for Inception. It feels like a choice of excellence in range and practicality as opposed to mastery of form. Libatique is still young, but when's Deakins gonna get him a little golden man? Is he the Scorcese of cinematography?

6:45 p.m. Art direction. My pick - Inception. The award goes to Alice in Wonderland, and thus apparently the entire staff at every Hot Topic everywhere. Does Tim Burton use the same art department people every movie? I'll bet they can do that stuff in their sleep. Big eyes? Crazy hair? CHECK.

6:43 p.m. Are they going to use this opportunity to announce that Titanic is going to be remastered to turn the people into Na'Vi?

6:41 p.m. Saluting Gone with the Wind is a great idea after that monologue, because frankly, their jokes? I don't give a damn.

6:39 p.m. Where is Ricky Gervais?

6:38 p.m. James Franco just checked in to Foursquare.

6:30 p.m. Away we go.

6:23 p.m. I wonder who's gonna kiss Halle Berry against her will tonight. I vote Jennifer Lawrence.

6:15 p.m. Christian Bale and the other nominees in his category are done, professionally.

6:06 p.m. Sandra Bullock's purse contains one five dollar footlong.

6:05 p.m. "What was the dumbest question you've been asked tonight, JT? And what was your answer?"

6:02 p.m. Seriously, though, Portman is so small. The baby inside of her is probably about her size by now.

6:02 p.m. Natalie Portman looks sooo fat!

6:01 p.m. Jennifer Hudson/Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifers in red dresses are the winners tonight.

5:57 p.m. I hope I get to liveblog tomorrow morning's Oscar wrapup on The View. Especially if The Kids Are Alright wins anything. Hasselbeck's head will EXPLODE.

5:52 p.m. Reese Witherspoon came here from competing in the Ms. Texas pageant. She didn't do especially well in the talent portion. Her chin was crowned Ms. Dallas, though.

5:49 p.m. Why is Mark Wahlburg alone? Shouldn't he have an "entourage?" HAHAHAHAHAHA. Say hi to your mother for me.

5:42 p.m. Annette Bening brought Bob Hope as her date! How nice! I hope Dick Tracy has something to do tonight.

5:40 p.m. Was that a fat joke, Wolfgang Puck?

5:39 p.m. Child labor FTW.

5:37 p.m. Apparently the handbags/clutches are filled with snacks, according to Scarlett Johansson. Apparently she was also stuck in a windstorm on the way here.

5:37 p.m. Oh shit, The Dude is here and he has a harem.

5:35 p.m. Who's crazy young James Cameron lookalike? Did he use 3D CGI to de-age himself?

5:28 p.m. Cate Blanchett really wants everyone to remember that she has breasts.

5:22 p.m. I'm sure the Academy is sending all these kids to college for free!

5:21 p.m. "PS22, who are you wearing?"

5:18 p.m. PS22 choir is there? Is Tay Zonday performing later too? Chocolate Rain, some stay dry and others feel the pain/ Chocolate Rain, Denzel had to play an insane criminal to win

5:18 pm Where's Kevin James?

5:17 p.m. Other possibility for explaning Melissa Leo's dress: Ming the Merciless cosplay.

5:13 p.m. Jennifer Lawrence is my front-runner for Best Actress just based on her dress and my desire to see her on-screen as much as possible while she's wearing it. I would cast her in anything. She should play the bar in a big-budget version of Cheers.

5:08 p.m. From Best Supporting Actor 1996 to Snow Dogs. Mama, don't let your kids grow up to be Cuba Gooding Jr.

5:08 p.m. Jesse Eisenberg appears to be doing the red carpet in character as Mark Zuckerberg. Watch him awkwardly slink away. Buy a TV, dude- when the interview is over you t'row on some SWAG.

5:06 p.m. Hailee Steinfeld is graceful and articulate and goddamn adorable.

5:05 p.m. Mila Kunis counts on people not knowing when she's faking it. And celebrities use Skype too!

5:03 p.m. The cameraman can't find Krista Smith. Where are there so many chairs in that room?

5:02 p.m. How big is the green room at the Oscars? It's gotta be the size of a Denny's.

5:01 p.m. They're giving out all the details so terrorists can easily attack in the name of sophisticated American culture.

4:52 p.m. Geoffrey Rush is playing Lex Luthor in Snyder's Superman reboot. You heard it here first.

4:50 p.m. Amy Adams' dress and necklace are old-fashioned, as opposed to "vintage." She looks like Rose from Titanic would look if you transported her to 2011 and sent her into a cheap dress shop.

4:35 p.m. All these women are carrying little handbags/clutches. What's in there? You don't need your credit cards, ladies, you're nominated for an Oscar. I'd buy Hailee Steinfeld a shot of Rumplemintz if only because she took away some of James Franco's glory by being nominated for playing someone that falls into a canyon and loses an arm.

4:31 p.m. You guys, I wonder if Russell Brand will be obnoxious on stage tonight! OH WAIT HOLD ON SHUTUP ITS BLEACHER CAM TIME

4:28 p.m. I hope Mandy Moore wins an Oscar this year! She was always best actress in the dreams I had about her when I was 14.

4:17 p.m. "You have the greatest plate of work on your . . . docket." George "Pinnochio" on Melissa Leo, nominee, who appears to be dressed like a chorus member of a community theater version of The King and I.

4:12 p.m. Jennifer Lawrence's dress/Winter's "bone" joke (seriously though).

3:40 p.m.: Who's wearing what? Who's wearing fur? Will Jennifer Aniston accidently run into Angelina Jolie? Who invited Jennifer Aniston? I'm already so excited.

​Sometimes an industry is so above and beyond in regards to their innovation, forward thinking, and creative success, the only thing left to do is hand out solid gold statuettes at a gala ceremony and broadcast it nationwide in prime time with Anne Hathaway (Catwoman, princess that keeps a diary, Academy Award runner-up 2008, lover of nudity) and James Franco (actor, writer, student, dancer, fisherman, current Oscar nominee, probably sorting your recycling RIGHT NOW) doin' them some good ol' fashioned hostin'.

There are a lot of things more important than watching the 2011 Academy Awards. Fortunately, there are also a lot of things that aren't, and those are the things we have to do today. That's right, here's some thoughts, commentary, jokes, and highbrow analysis. That's right, we're doing us some live-blogging.

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