Oh, well hello, Jack Sparrow. Why yes, we have indeed heard of you, approximately three other times. Yes, we know you're halfway drunk -- ha ha, that's what's so hilarious about you, is when a phoning-it-in-at-this-point Johnny Depp plays you like a fey gin-queen with juggalo facial hair -- but regrettably, no, we will not be joining you. Except for the next two minutes, which is about all we'll be needing to see.
Because we have right here all the Jack Sparrow one-liners we could ever want to tide us over until next year, especially since with that tide will come pretty much every single cliche old Jerry can pack in there, like mermaids, zombies and a guy who walks on two peg-legs instead of the usual one. Actually, a pirate with two peg-legs serves as an excellent metaphor for Jerry Bruckheimer's production style in general: Where other pirate movies have some stuff, this pirate movie will have double that stuff! Double the action! Double the adventure! Double the explosions! Fuck it, TWO EYE PATCHES!
Speaking of double explosions, what this movie will definitely not lack -- watch carefully for them at about 2:20 and 2:22 -- is explosions that look like testicles. So there's that to look forward to.
