The excruciating wait for trendy, affordable goods from major Swedish retailers will come to an end this year when both H&M and IKEA finally come to Denver pretty much simultaneously -- meaning you will soon be feasibly able to clothe, surround and even feed yourself with all things trendy and Swedish (besides ready-to-assemble furniture, IKEA sells meatballs and herring and whatnot). And if that's not enough for you, you could make it your job, too. Both retailers started hiring for their Denver stores last week, and if you're anything like us, you're on the fence about which one you want to quit your crappy job to work for -- and that's why we put together this handy quiz.
1. You were really looking forward to eating a nice dinner at your Bjursta dining table and opening that bottle of vintage Carlo Rossi you've been saving, but your boyfriend is all like, "grunt, I want to play my stupid video games." You: a. Eat dinner alone and save the Carlo Rossi for another night, opting for a gallon of cheap ice cream instead. b. Scream at him until he talks about his feelings. c. Threaten to tell his friends and relatives about the semen-stained, second-hand sports mascot suit he keeps hidden in the drop-ceiling unless he does what you tell him. d. Kick that worthless piece of shit out. Your Bjursta dining table is all the company you need.
2. You're trying to concentrate on remembering strings of random numbers and the psychological testing facility, but all you keep thinking about is Erling Persson. You: a. Pretend you have ileitis and go home sick for the day. b. Scream until they stop the test and make you talk about your feelings. c. Turn the numbers into a giant stipple-portrait of Erling Persson in your mind, like sometimes they do in sci-fi movies. d. Nothing. Erling Persson is the man.
3. You arrive at home after a long day of work ready for a good book and a little well earned R&R -- but when you open the door, there's a loud "Surprise!" and all your co-workers are there waiting for you. You'd forgotten it was your birthday! You: a. Eat the bitter, bitter birthday cake that represents your body's eventual deterioration. b. Scream until everyone agrees to acknowledge your feelings. c. Weep, because it occurs to you that nothing in your life has any meaning. d. Kick them out. You just got off of work; the last thing you want to see is those assholes again.
4. You get a dividends check for $175 in the mail, and it's burning a hole in your pocket. You: a. Prudently re-invest it in safe, low-interest ventures, then lie down in your bed and realize with sickening clarity that you have never truly enjoyed anything. b. Scream. Just fucking scream and scream. c. Decide a nice new pair of pants might be in order. d. Buy fifty Irvig Wine Glasses and compulsively arrange them in different patterns until it is time to go back to work.
For the answers, go to the next page! Answer Key: a. 4 points b. 3 points c. 2 points d. 1 point
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1 - 5 Points: IKEA
Do you have a minimalist sensibility, a keen eye for design and a penchant skin-tight black turtle-necks? Do you often find yourself in traffic, turning up rare avant-garde jazz records to earsplitting levels just to ward off the existential dread? Is your blood pressure unusually low? If you answered "yes" to one or all of these questions, then IKEA is probably a good fit for you. Just stop by the website to search the listings, and you'll be on your way to a somewhat more fulfilling career in no time!
6 - 10 Points: H&M
When the chips are down, the tides have turned and there is a diseased animal huddled in the furthermost corner of the engine compartment of your aged European car, you're still looking collected in a slim-cut tweed blazer or a high-waisted pencil skirt. If you're always on the lookout for the latest styles and frequently find yourself awaking from fugue states of consciousness in the vacant lots behind suburban office parks, then stop by the H&M website and fill out an application today!
11 - 16 Points: Unemployable
You are a deeply unstable human being. Please seek help immediately, and avoid children.